Surprises…

So an acquaintance shared with us during my first pregnancy that he thinks that everyone should wait until the birth to find out the gender of a baby because whenever do you ever get surprised anymore as an adult…this is something my husband loved to say all through my first two pregnancies. And while the rhetoric got annoying, I agreed. It was exciting. But here I find myself, in my third pregnancy, having experienced so many surprises recently that I just can’t bare the idea of not finding out the gender this time.

My husband is a sex addict. I just found out while walking the mall to try to ensure that I get 10000 steps that yes, he did in fact go to “massage” parlors. He was caught of guard when I asked. It just popped in my head as we walked by one that I assume is an actual massage parlor. And I didn’t really think he would say yes. So he gets all uppity and I now have this new bit to process. And I feel like I keep getting little bits. And I am frustrated with that. I want all the information. All the f*ing details at once. So I don’t keep getting slapped in the face over and over. And with each new tidbit, it becomes all consuming in my mind while I process it and work through it and come to some place of settling with it. But with each new bit, there are more questions. And he can’t or he won’t always be able to answer them immediately. Like today. We are in the f*ing mall getting steps and some baby play time and it’s not exactly ideal to have an in-depth discussion about the depravity of my husbands actions with prostitutes in a massage parlor. Like how do you even know it’s “that” type of place? And if it is so obvious because it is so disgusting, why the f would you do it? Why? Why? Why? A million times why? It is so much some times that I just don’t know where do we go from here? How do I move ahead? Do I just keep the slow trudge forward? Is this what’s best for me? For my children? And everything says don’t make big decisions for like a year, but when will I know I will be ready? And how do I get to that place? What is my plan for recovery? Where are my supports? It’s dandy that the addict who caused all this disruption and chaos and has been acting out so selfishly for so long gets multiple therapists and support/recovery groups and plans to follow, steps to take, but what about the victim of him and his actions? What about me? At least fewer surprises would be nice for now.

Gratitude:

1. baby boys
2. Car finally got an oil change
3. Prof pics taken today
4. Still another day off
5. Ultrasound results were normal