Just Me

I am struggling today with a lot of down feelings and thoughts and questions. Did I pick the wrong person? Just because now he’s in recovery and working to be a partner and father we deserve, I should stick with him. Don’t I deserve someone who will be committed to me and our life from Day 1 not just now after all the secrets are out. Did I settle way back when? Why didn’t I pay attention to red flags? Why didn’t I just move on then? Was I afraid or was it because of love? Things are hard to look back on now. Everything is tinted (tainted?) by knowing all that I know now.

It’s hard, but I can’t focus on that. It just makes me feel bad about this situation and about myself. But I won’t have these most wonderful beautiful baby boys without all of this shit and they are the greatest thing that I have done and in my life. I will never regret them. My husbands sex addiction and all of his past actions and behaviors still are shocking and traumatic. How could this be my life?

In the recent past, before knowing about the SA and all that it has entailed (which I still don’t know all yet), I had started questioning our marriage, if we wanted the same things, if we headed in the same direction or had the same goals for our future. It often felt inconsistent. Like sometimes he was focused on improving his work situation, getting more education, really on top of our finances. But then there would be lapses, I couldn’t tell what his priorities were what his focus was.

One of the things that really bothers me looking back was he would go to bed early while I stayed up after the boys were in bed to get some work done and watch alittle TV. But then if I was ever heading to bed early, he would go downstairs saying things like I never to get to watch TV or just whatever. And I would struggle to sleep. I could hear him but not sure what he was doing and if I went downstairs, he would get so irritated or angry sometimes with me. It just never felt right and I am kinda of angry that I allowed myself to be gaslighted. To be manipulated. I had suspicions that something wasn’t right or maybe that he was drinking and I was made to feel that I was being ridiculous or controlling or __, but I was right. He was looking at porn, chatting with someone else sexually, making plans to hook up, etc. It hurts so deeply Inside. And almost numbing. It’s such a complex situation and elicit such complex feelings. There’s the one part that always felt like he could be great—a great husband and dad, great in career and in providing a wonderful life. He has lots of positive attributes. And now is the chance for him to finally live that potential and make a real life of honesty and commitment to his family and I don’t want to miss out on that after so many years of supporting and routing him on and believing in him. But there’s another part of me that thinks why spend any more time with this person who treated our relationship as garbage who was more committed to his sex addiction than to his family. What has he done to deserve that? What do I deserve? How will I ever figure out what I need to do?

Gratitude:

1. My baby boys
2. Getting to stay home during this pandemic and still work/earn an income
3. Got my steps yesterday
4. Weather is getting warmer
5. Pooping on the potty has become pretty consistent!!

Intentions: I will stick to my scheduled blocks to feel accomplished. I will take a walk and get my steps. I will be loving and patient with my family.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother.