Summer Days

Summer days are a blur which can definitely be a wonderful change from the rest if the year. My problem is that once it’s August I tend to focus too much on the fact that it is almost over rather than just enjoying each day as it comes. I am going to try to be more mindful of this this summer. So it was nice to escape to NY even though it was so quick of a visit. The FTD already feels like it was so long ago. I need to review my PCI with the Hubs and make sure I am doing the health indicators i recorded like reaching out to people and physically moving (which is not that appealing to me right now with the heat and humidity and the whole being super pregnant thing). The sexual acting act that was disclosed (pretty much everything from the last 25 years or so) was a lot to take in at one time. Especially all the sexual activity that took place during our marriage—at adult book stores, meeting random or reg people, engaging in sex acts outside, prostitutes, bringing people to our home. I was surprised by the amount of time he went to strip clubs, apparently he frequently worked it into regular tasks like going to the Home Depot so I wouldn’t really realize. And I was also shocked that my hubs was taking pictures of me that I didn’t know about un/dressing. Frequently, like weekly. He also came up with a total of how much money was spent over the years on drugs, sex, and alcohol and it was over $41,000, like enough to buy our whole car in cash. And that doesn’t include adjusting for inflation or indirect losses (time at work, gas and mileage, chances for promotion). It’s hard to know what exactly to do from here. At least in terms of our relationship as a married couple. I hate what he did and I hate his addictions, but I don’t actually hate my husband and I don’t want to hate him. I was experiencing a great deal of anger towards two of his more regular acting out partners on Saturday night. I feel like I hate them and would love to punch them right in the fucking face. I would like to go on the social media of the prostitute and call her out for being the rotten crotched whore that she is and report her to the police, none of which I will do. She is obviously fucked up with her own issues and it is not her fault that my husband was sexually acting out, but I also want to be rageful at someone sometimes and I don’t want that to be all directed at my husband. I don’t want to hate him. Obviously I have lots of recovery work to do. And decisions to make. But the decisions are for another day. Yesterday, hubs and I did go over his inner circle behaviors with him and we discussed consequences if he engages in them again. Basically, a form of separation, temporary and within our home or permanent are basically the only consequences. I hope he never puts us in that position again.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Bun in the oven
3. My home even with all its imperfections
4. Hubs summer, pandemic schedule
5. Honesty
6. FTD done and can be processed
7. Still lots of summer to enjoy
8. Good dog
9. Opportunity to work on myself
10. New dry erase board

Intentions: Read, clean bathrooms, attend SANON meeting, drink water!

Affirmations: I am a good person, I love my family, I am working in my personal recovery.