Summer Day 50

It was a tough weekend. Very emo. Hubs ended the work week negatively. He was talked to about being in the upstairs offices, taking a break at 6:30am, talking to other employees, disappearing to take a walk, etc. Its hard for me. I support him, but I can also see the issues from a supervisor perspective. He attends a 6:30-7:30 AM SA meeting most week days which he really enjoys. However, if he is not punching out, that is a problem. I don’t think it should be a problem if he does punch out. He uses space upstairs for the meetings because it is private (his office is shared). He doesn’t want to reveal why he has been breaking at the same time everyday, which I totally understand. I don’t know how much time he walks or takes breaks. He has been told not to talk to others (Covid). I am not sure how much he does that. I writing all this shit here because what I want to say to him (and probably have in various ways over the years) is just do what the fuck they tell you. You are an employee and have a job to do and are paid hourly. You can’t look at or compare to what others are doing. Others are salary, others have different types of jobs. Put your best foot forward each day and feel proud of yourself for doing so. There is a big disconnect with us I think in terms of work. I work super hard, I give no shits if other people do less or lower quality work and get paid the same (or more than me). I take pride in what I do. I want to feel good about what I do. My job is not my life, but it is important to me. Hubs just views things different. And frequently I feel like it is a power or control issue for him. It seems to me that he plays games sometimes with work, such as why ask permission now, when you can ask for forgiveness later. Or trying to control your time vs what your boss wants you to do as long as it gets done, etc. I don’t know if my thoughts are accurate. It’s hard to talk with him about it. It stresses him out, he has a shit ton of resentments about work and those he works with, especially his bosses. His feelings are so negative (and I am not saying it’s not justified) that it is poisonous to him and in turn to me. I don’t know how to disconnect from it emotionally. I get concerned because I don’t want him to lose his job (we cannot afford that). Also, I want him to be viewed as valuable at work. He is very smart, he is funny and personable. Even if there is not opportunities to move up there, don’t you want positive recommendations from your bosses? He has had dreams of being his own boss (in what I don’t know), but if you are not driven innately now, why would you be for your own business. Maybe yes, if you were working on it on the side, so your regular job wasn’t your #1 job priority because so much effort was going into your dream, but that’s not our situation either. I always had these types of concerns about him and work, and of course now that I know about his SA, it taints everything including work. Hubs would masterbate at work mostly in a particular bathroom stall. I am sure he spent more time in there than he even realized. He has a difficult time being aware of time. He has also done that in other unused areas of the facility. In the disclosure he told me he did it once with someone else over an app. He would leave work (breaks) to go to the adult bookstore to jerk off, although he would also AO with others there. He would leave work for other acting out behaviors, meeting men and/or prostitutes to engage in sexual activities. I don’t know if even now he understands how his SA and AO behaviors negatively impacted him at work (everyone gets to take breaks), but I would imagine that as his addiction progressed and at different times during his cycle of addiction, his focus would be on his lust and sexual desires (?) and everything else, like family and work, would become secondary at best. While his boss and co-workers may not have known what exactly was going on, I am sure he seemed distracted, unreliable, inconsistent, immature, and just not a stand up employee. He would arrive late because of acting out with others or himself. And even though he is working hard on himself now and has made great strides and progress, it doesn’t erase the past. It takes a long time to change people’s perspectives. It takes a long time and consistency to change your reputation, fair or not fair. And his bosses are not good leaders from what I can tell, and I know that contributes to his resentment. Sometimes he compares his feelings to me and my job. But overall, I love my job. I love working with families and with kids. I don’t always like or agree with my leaders—some I think are just bad. I also think expectations and responsibilities are too great, and not realistic, especially in spec Ed. I always do my best and want to do an excellent job for my school, my students, their families, and for me. But I also feel like a plate spinner (Ed Sullivan Show…), just running from plate to plate so nothing crashes down. And it sucks because sometimes my quality cannot be up to my own expectations due to that. I also do not always feel valued by leadership (Spec Ed gets excluded frequently) and right now, by some parents re the fall opening and the pandemic). But I also don’t think I harbor the same resentments toward others and I still want to do an excellent job no matter what. This is probably one of my longest posts. I don’t know what else to do with these thoughts and feelings. I don’t see my own therapist until next week. They are festering inside and I am hoping that writing them out here helps me to let them go.

Gratitude:

1. Productive weekend
2. Yard looks good
3. Baby bear seems to be over the fever
4. Baby bear is so cute and lovey
5. Hubs is trying to remove phases that bother me out of his daily vernacular
6. Bubba joined me in bed in the wee hours Of the morning and stayed pretty quiet (asleep) until after 8am!
7. Got in a walk already today
8. Book club cancelled (earned some extra time to get my work done)
9. Don’t have to cook at least today, maybe even tomorrow! Yay!
10. Have been making time for prenatal yoga and have enjoyed it.

Intentions: Read white fragility (2 chapters min), drink water, move, do an activity with bubba and bear.

Affirmations: I am a good mother. I am an empathetic and supportive wife. I am getting more patient and working on how I handle my emotions.