Summer Day 51

Despite all the tough feelings and i guess my own resentments regarding my SA husband or HIR (husband in recovery), yesterday turned out to be a good day. Even though I don’t always like to journal, I do find that writing down my feelings, especially negative feelings, really does help me to put them aside and move forward without perserverating on them and/or taking them out on others. Hubs still needs to work on how he responds and reacts to me when I am at my limit–which i feel like I hover at most of the time right now. Super pregnant, hot, pandemic, school starting soon, new baby almost here (which I do not feel ready for), 2 other babes that i spend each day with, and working on my recovery from trauma due to sex addiction, to say it’s alot is an understatement. I need him to recognize in the moment (not just when everything is fine and dandy) that I have so much on my plate at all times and it does not take much to starting spilling over. And when it does, I need him to remain calm and to step in and make decisions to make it better. This came up this past weekend as well. I was getting worked up–the noise of the boys running around, hubs trying to get some small projects done and he wanted me to make many of the decisions. I ended up totally losing it (he was also not in a great mindset at this time) and then he was basically demanding that i tell him what I needed and for me to make a decision about how to get space. Then everyone is yelling and / or crying and he actually yelled at me that this was all my fault. Like really? It was just disastrous and everyone felt super shitty. Anyway, we recovered. The important part that I am actually trying to get at is that we had watched a 2 part video about this type of trauma which really had great info about the biological and brain response to trauma, particularly the fight, flight, or freeze response. I seem to tend to fall into the fight and freeze responses, and this was definitely an example of freeze. His yelling at me and demanding that I make a decision about how to get the space I needed (do you want to be upstairs or downstairs, should I take the boys out), my brain just stopped working, I just could not determine what I needed and I definitely could not make a decision about it. We both are now aware that in these instances, he has to be a calm force (anther major area of struggle) and make the decision about how to help me and the situation. I hope he gets better at this–i feel like this is one of our more destructive (is that term too strong?) patterns. But I also want to get better at this–I don’t want to get to the point of being a raving lunatic who cannot think or make decisions. Ugh, and all the yelling, the whole situation is emotionally exhausting (leading to what i refer to as an emotional hangover–the whole SA thing tends to lead to a lot of these) and it makes me feel like the worst mother and just person when the kids are impacted in that way. So i have to get better, I have to heal–I deserve it, but more so my wonderful, sweet, innocent boys deserve it. I don’t want to pass on the dysfunction and continue these cycles. Whether i knew what was going on in the past or not, whether i could see and understand the maladaptive behaviors in my midst, I know it and see it now and i MUST make things better.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. On a yoga roll (its only 12 minute sessions, but like awesome job by me)
3. Deleted hidden bottles with hubs yesterday–porn that was digitally saved and pics of me as well as some voyeuristic ones taken in public
4. Yard prepped for storm
5. Really good job managing the home front yesterday
6. Connection with hubs
7. Don’t have to make dinner again tonight (plenty of yummy leftovers)
8. Hubs is coming home early due to weather
9. Slept past 8AM, which I really need since the quality of my sleep sucks at this point in pregnancy
10. Making progress on our recovery as a couple and as individuals.

Intentions: Be mindful, breathe deeply, work on To Do list, enjoy the time together & do an art project!

Affirmations: I am a loving momma, I am a really good wife, I am improving my emotional regulation.