Summer Day 65

Yesterday was a tough day. We did a check-in, we try to do these 2-3 times per week. Hubs shared that he had looked at some images lustfully the last few days. Not pornography–that would be relapse, but titillating images, maybe someone in a bathing suit? Or just overly exposed? I don’t know exactly what he looked at, but images on social media or even just media–maybe images that came up unintentionally or ones that he looked for, but he didn’t look away quick enough or turn his lust over (or whatever you do when you are a sex addict working your recovery). It wasn’t spending hours online viewing images or anything that extreme, certainly nothing like what he was doing in active addiction, but it still bothers me. We were intimate yesterday, but it was difficult in the beginning and even during. I don’t want my husband to be a SA, ever in recovery, I just don’t want him to be one. I had a difficult time and had thoughts about when we were younger, pre-marriage, and just things (signs) that bothered me or maybe would indicate this is not a good choice of a life partner–not having a place to live for a short amount of time, lack of care of self and appearance, just things I look back on and wonder, what was i thinking? Did I not think I was worthy of someone who did take care of himself? A person who demonstrated that they did want to move forward in life? Was (is) something fundamentally wrong with me? Was I happy? Was I resigned? Maybe if I had implemented some standards or boundaries then, I would not be where I am today. I told hubs I was a little mad at him and at me–me for the reasons above, him for allowing things to get so out of control. I was struggling to stay focused on the present–my mind went to thoughts of his extreme acting out behaviors–engaging with other people in sex. It was making me feel gross to have his mouth on my body and his hands touching me with those thoughts floating around in my mind. I struggled last night–looked over his internet history, but didn’t really see much that was concerning–a celebrity pic, a women in a bathing suit bottom, etc. When I went to bed it was very late, my mind still churning. He was not wearing his mask and was snoring. He was facing me in bed and too close, on my side. I could not sleep. I could not stop the thoughts. I slept on the couch downstairs. I woke up at 3:07am. He was still asleep–he is supposed to be at work at 3am. I woke him. Not sure if he even knew I had not been in the bed. It bothers me too that he is over sleeping–I want him to be responsible for getting up on time and getting in on time. It’s crunch time–35 weeks and there is so much to do before my mom comes down while I work a couple of weeks and then have the baby. He hasn’t been able to focus as much on his self-care and recovery work. I hate SA–it takes up so much of our life.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba let me sleep a little longer
2. Coffee
3. Baby bear he wild and a lover
4. Baby bun is moving
5. Dates, so yummy
6. Nice weather
7. Things are getting done
8. Still summer
9. Baby will be coming soon
10. Dinner menu planned for the week

Intentions: Move, drink lots o water, do not demand an unrealistic amount from self, attend meeting.

Affirmations: I am a good mom, wife and teacher.