Summer Day 74

My sex addict husband relapsed yesterday. He was sober for over 7 months. While at the hospital for an ultrasound appointment, he was home with the boys. He did a morning meeting and about 30 minutes later he purposely looked at pornography. Not just lingering too long on titillating images on insta or FB, but just straight up porn gifs, images and videos. He wasn’t on that long and reports that he didn’t go any further, but this is an inner circle behavior (the worst kind of behavior). He has 24 hours to tell me but I found it first. He did admit he looked again later too. When I was home. He was outside.

We are having a baby in about 3 weeks. I am so sad, disappointed and angry. I am frustrated. He was an a$$hole yesterday in general, just short with everyone. He is feeling stressed and overwhelmed I am sure, but me too. That’s what happens when a baby is coming, and school is starting for me next week, and my mom is going to be living with us for the next 3 weeks to help, and there is a pandemic. But this is exactly when you need to dig in, really use your tools and work your program, not throw your fucking hands up and allow ur addiction to take control so that you can avoid feeling discomfort.

So last night he slept in the guest room. His electronics stayed in my room. This will happen again tonight and probably tomorrow. I rewrote the to do list and corrected the priorities. I need to be in charge of what needs to get done at home. I let him know that I need to focus on me, the baby, and the boys. He needs to figure his shit out and get back on track. TBH, he is kind of a mess. There have been some signs lately but I didn’t clearly see them. It’s hard because I want to tell him he is a mess, but I can’t. I still worry about how I talk to him and what I share and say because I do not want to make him feel bad (worse) or impact his recovery in a negative way. But I need to focus on me and my recovery from all this trauma. I cannot allow his addiction to take me down.

Gratitude:

1. Baby is doing well and passed the NST
2. Baby bear
3. Bubba
4. Good dog
5. Deck is repaired and paid
6. Picked delivery date
7. Up early today
8. Moving forward on yard project
9. Making space for myself
10. Cool morning

Intentions: Move through to do list, pause fitness nutrition coach payments, breathe and find the space. Love all the babies.

Affirmations: I am learning to take care of myself. I am strong with more on my plate than anyone realizes. I will not fail the boys.