Baby Buddha was born and I think he is doing well. Breast feeding sucks (ha, ha). I don’t know if I am making enough. I have to supplement to ensure blood sugar is good and jaundice goes away, but that makes breast feeding harder and at least it feels less successful. I am working hard to feed, supplement and pump but it’s a lot and I am not always great at doing it all. This has been a challenge with every baby and it still doesn’t make it easier. I am working hard to be positive about it and to believe baby and I will be successful at this.
I am definitely having so many feelings. It is a struggle to not lose my temper, to not cry, to feel happy, to not be sad about my situation. And these are struggles I feel I am frequently losing. It is hard having a baby, all of it. The being pregnant, the giving birth, the recovery and the taking care of this new person in addition to taking care of the other two boys, work starting again, a pandemic and of course, the icing on my cake, my husband being a sex addict. I am really having a hard time not thinking about his acting out behaviors especially the ones where he engaged in sex acts with other people but they are invading my mind. I don’t think it helps that he had a relapse within the past 4 weeks. I don’t trust his sobriety right now. And I don’t know if he is really in recovering right now or just fighting to be sober. He told me yesterday that he had a thought in the AM of basically if just fuck it, why even bother? What am I supposed to do with that? Either we are worth it to you or not. And I think we are pretty worth it—I know those babies definitely are.
One of the worst effects of all this is how much it impacts my mental and emotional wells being which in turn totally negatively impacts my children. I don’t want to yell or lose my cool or be impatient with them. They do not deserve any of that. And I am afraid sometimes that all this turmoil will negatively impact them—their behavior, their ability to deal with stress and emotions in a healthy way esp when I feel like I am not doing so myself right now. I fear for them to have addiction issues, like I really am afraid of this. I just want them to be happy and healthy and I also need to be those things but I don’t know how to achieve it.
I told my husband I think he needs to get back to basics right now. It seems like several things have been maybe slipping or pushed off. I also need to get back to basics. I need to start the day with gratitude, intentions and affirmations again. At least try to set the tone in a really positive way.
I also need to be able to detach from him and his recovery. Like it is not my responsibility for you to do the work to be in active recovery. I have to worry about and focus on my health and recovery and my beautiful boys. I just am not really sure how to achieve this healthy detachment. I need to continue to read my recovery books and materials and attend SANON meetings to help figure this out.
Gratitude:
- Baby buddha
- Baby bear
- Bubba
- Maternity leave
- Fall weather
- Getting organized
- Generous friends passing down lovely baby items
- Family who support us and send us baby gifts!
- Coworkers not holding it against me that they have more to do because I am not there
- Options
Affirmations: …
And fight with the husband, my fault really ( see above re detachment) and so now I am just crying in the baby who I am struggling to nurse and apologizing for bringing him into this fucking mess. And all I can think is what a fucking awful mother he has. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.
The (mis)Adventures of the MayBee Mom 