Day 10

Yesterday was better. I stayed busy with some self care, nursing and fall decorating. It helped me to reduce intrusive thoughts about my husbands acting act behaviors and his recovery. I want him to be in recovery and to work his program, but it is his job to prove it to me, it is not my job to monitor it.

I get the impression that he can be so focused on him (I think this is a combo of past selfishness, putting his needs above all else even when rationalizing that he wasn’t or deserved certain things and maybe even recovery programs) that at times I really perceive him as selfish. This is not all the time, but it is frequent. For example, if I ask him to make formula for the baby when finishing nursing, sometimes he just seems to take his time, making himself a snack rather than just doing what the baby needs immediately. In my mind, it’s more like, hey, the baby is hungry and crying and needs to be cared for right now. Get a snack later. I feel like this happens with the other boys too. He doesn’t want to do things in their schedule, but wants them to work on his schedule, at his convenience, and while I agree that a child and a toddler are not in charge of all things, sometimes as the adults and parents, I feel like we need to put their needs first, not make them wait for us to finish something or take care of ourself. And I don’t mean in the put your oxygen mask on first kinda of situation.

Another observation is how he responds to me and my needs. Right now I am not always rationale. I am struggling to regulate my emotions. I am easily upset or angry. And I hate all of these things. I don’t want to yell at my family or feel impatient with my children or have to hold back tears frequently. I feel like I deserve my partner to recognize that I am in a tough place (hormones, physical recovery, sex addicted spouse, pandemic, etc) and to be able to take it sometimes, be able to say in his mind this sucks right now, but my wife is really go through it and needs lots of love and compassion even when she is being unreasonable and maybe even mean. And I feel like this is not something he is really able to do for me. He gets mad and upset and volatile back. And it’s probably unfair that I want him to not respond that way to me when I am being unreasonable, but it’s still what I want right now. Am I asking too much? Don’t I deserve that?

Hubs also seems scattered a lot still. His mind still seems a bit of a mess. Yesterday, we were putting out fall decorations. I used the step stool to put up some lights. He helped me with this and had told me where the step stool was as he had used it earlier. Later on, he made a comment about how he went back to the step stool to put something away and someone had moved it. I redirected him to the stool on the front porch, gently reminding him that I used it to put up lights and he had helped me. He had completely forgotten and not much time had passed. He also was unable to locate a box to put something away that was sitting out (it had gotten moved earlier in the day, but by him). Often it feels like he is going to work on a specific task as set by himself, but then gets sidetracked and does something else. I don’t know if he is even aware that this is happening. I get frustrated with this. There are like a million projects he has started and never finished. I made a list on our dry erase board to try to help him realize all that is going on. I recently mentioned that I don’t want any new projects to be started until things are knocked off the list. I feel frustrated by this and also it makes me not want to move forward on larger scale items like the landscape, the fence, a refi and extension.

I am worried about his ability to be the partner I want and deserve. How much time do I give things to improve? How do I determine what to do long term? How much improvement is enough? These are also things I hesitate to share with him because it hurts his feelings and he takes it personally and I don’t want to negatively impact his recovery and progress. I am always afraid after a negative interaction or if I provide critical honest feedback that he will respond in a negative way. But I should not let that deter me from being honest.

He suggested I see my therapist more frequently right now which is probably a good idea. I will text her today to see if she has time for me this week.

Gratitude:

1. All the babies ❤️
2. The beautiful weather
3. Time to soak
4. Physically I feel like I am recovering well
5. Leave from work
6. Fall decor
7. Lots of positive response on new babe and new babe’s name
8. My ability to still find things to be grateful for and to see beauty even in this difficult time in my life
9. My coadvisors
10. My family

Intentions: Take it slow. Care for myself. Work on nursing with baby Buddha. Work on To Do list.

Affirmations: I am recovering. I love my family. I am taking it slow.