Day 18

I need to regroup. Focus on healthy eating, sleep, water, and being as not up tight as possible. My intentions for the week.

So on Saturday we took a drive. It started to rain as soon as we left the house for a walk, so we went about a block and turned around. Drive instead. We got some Starbucks, we bought some fall plants for the driveway containers. It was pretty good. But then the hubs drove around a little more and wanted to go to this weird road that crossed over water and looked like it had park around it. We did this and it was neat, we saw turkey and deer. It was also kind of odd as it was a private park that seems to be managed by either the county dump or a waste management co. So strange.

That in itself was fine. Getting there however, I didn’t really know where we were exactly and then suddenly we were driving past a shopping center with a women’s retail clothing shop that I am 98% sure my husband has had sex at. He had multiple sexual encounters with a man that works there. In the back room. Maybe in the parking lot. I was not prepared to see that store or have that in my mind. It was kind of awful. I did not blurt anything out (as I tend to do and as I wanted to). My husband did become aware that I was suddenly upset about something. Maybe that is not the right location of the shop he had sex at? This is not a store I shop at. I don’t know where else it is located. But I am pretty sure I am correct. I decided to put it aside until a check-in. Which has not yet come. He is supposed to initiate check-ins 2xs/week. I don’t think we have had one for a week now. It’s like I want to say something but because I have an issue to discuss and because it is supposed to be his responsibility to initiate, I don’t want to bring it up.

The other issue we have had is that he has been looking at titillating (his word) online. He looked at images of women before and after weight loss (they are wearing bras and underwear) and he has been looking at images of pregnant women. These pics, particularly if pregnant women, are an issue. There is no purpose in looking at them except for some kind of potential arousal. He was very defensive about it. But also agreed. He is resetting his sobriety counter again. Not being an addict, I just want to scream stop! Stop looking at this shite. It shouldn’t be that hard. But I know that’s not true for him. It is hard. I am happy he is trying. But is this enough for me? Lately, I have been having a hard time with somethings. I have a little bit of a gross feeling knowing that my husband is a SA and has these issues. Like I don’t want him to ask how I am healing from child birth or ask about breast feeding. Or even just thinking about how he moves through the world—is he looking at others, is he imaging them sexually… I don’t know what to do with those feelings. Can I move forward in our marriage as a couple? Do I want to? Is it what’s best for me? It’s really a lot to think about and to determine. I find myself feeling jealous sometimes. Of others. But you never really know what’s happening I guess.

Gratitude:

1. Family visit
2. Hummus
3. Choco chip cookies
4. Home goods stores!
5. Organization products
6. Baby boys
7. New decorative outdoor laterns
8. New Tupperware
9. Long walk
10. Supports

Intentions: Be mindful in eating and interactions with others, esp baby boys. Drink water. Move through the day with purpose.

Affirmations: I am refocusing on health and self care. I am a loving mom who is becoming more patient. I am supportive of my husband.