Easter Monday

Last day of “spring break” although really not that much of a break, I will take it though. As always trying to restart, get back on track, make the big changes, etc. One thing I am really trying to avoid is the pre “diet” binge. It has been a viscous cycle lately where I feel like I am gaining 5 pounds right before every restart. It is so bad and unhealthy. So while I am eating today I am working hard to NOT act as though I will never eat __ (Cadbury eggs, pasta, bread, chocolate, etc…) again. I will just not for a few weeks. And when I do I hopefully will be in a healthier place and with control. Have been doing a walking for weight loss program which has been good in that it helps keep me accountable. Started listening to a weight loss mindset programming Spotify too (last night). I can do this. I will feel so much better. I will feel like me again.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys ♥️
2. Spring break
3. Hubs has week off
4. Beautiful weather
5. Easter bread turned out great
6. Walking
7. The chance to inprove
8. My supports
9. Baths
10. Good sex

Side note on #10, sex with an active SA is not good, it is bad. It is a penis that does not work well, that has to be beaten into submission and in turn kind of beats you up too. It is long in the worst possible way. It is objectification. It becomes wearisome, uncomfortable, a chore. It is also something that you find yourself using to ensure safety and gain some control in an unmanageable situation (even if you don’t realize it). You don’t necessarily realize how bad things are when you are in it and when you don’t really know or understand what shite you are actually in. But after you know, after discovery, after some time for realization and even healing and recovery, you start to see. You start to see all the things that you have been living with that you shouldn’t have too (no one should) and you start to see how those things have impacted and shaped you and who you are or have become, thoughts, actions, behaviors. And it is so unhealthy and just bad and hopefully it is just the start to something new, new life, a new day.