Purging of my mind

Such inner turmoil. I am inclined to write that I don’t know how I feel, but that is not really the case. I am struggling with my thoughts and feelings towards and about my recovery SA husband. I am having a difficult time seeing his positive attributes and rather find his weaknesses, his areas that need growth and development, are consuming my view of him and how I see him. I want to write out these thoughts, but I am not sure if that is helpful or harmful. Just considering writing this list, makes feel like I am a bad partner, a bad wife, a bad person – negative and cancerous. But the truth is this is how I am feeling today, seeing things today and I have hope that by writing it down, it will allow me to let it go a bit, to not dwell on these thoughts, that by writing it, my mind can shift its focus.

Things that aggravated me today: My husband puts himself above all others, he does not prioritize what needs to be done (perhaps he just prioritizes things differently than i do), he makes messes and is sloppy, he is overweight and does not seem to care about getting healthier, he struggles to be organized, to keep track of materials/items, his handwriting his illegible, he crumples up papers and gets them dirty, he is not even able to put papers in a file folder and have it look neat from the outside, he spills food and drink on himself daily, he lets things pile up instead of taking care of them right away, he doesn’t always seem to be able to think things through, he responds impulsively rather than rationally, he can be short tempered with our children and get frustrated easily. He is not doing the things that he outlined as important for his health and recovery consistently (lately, it feels like not at all). I am worried about his success at work which is our current livelihood.

Ack! It is good to get the thoughts out. I am trying to not second guess decisions (giving up my job, moving states, buying our new house…), but rather acknowledge that there are no bad decisions in this sense, nothing must be forever (and likely nothing can be). If his job does not work out, there will be other jobs (for us both). If I do not like living here, I can move. If our marriage does not work out, that is okay. I am capable on my own – I am smart, hard working, personable. Life will go on. Life can be good, EITHER WAY.

I am grateful! I am grateful for crisp, fall weather; my beautiful boys; time for myself; new chances and opportunities everyday; my new instagram account to record our home’s transformation; new & redone floors; PSL; being able to move into our new home SOON and NOT be in a rental or temp situation; health insurance; To Do lists and agenda items; someone else taking care of and loving my dog during all this transitional time.

Today, I will allow my self a break, some space when getting overstimulated and overwhelmed. I will listen to my children to hear what they need even when they are not so sure of what they need. I will take time and say no to things that are more than I can or want to do.