What’s wrong with me

I am really having a hard time. I need help, I need to see a doctor to follow up on my depression and medications. My ability to handle everything being thrown at me is very limited. I am taking my medication but I am not as consistent as j should be. We are still waiting on the movers, so I am back at my parents with the babes for the next few days. Everything feels so overwhelming and chaotic. Living out of suitcases is miserable. I am envious of those people who are able to make everything an adventure and exciting, that’s not me. Is that really anyone or maybe they are better pretenders, better at the facade.

In this moment though, there is almost silence. A man on the phone, the whir of a refrigerator, espresso shots being brewed. It’s lovely. It’s peaceful. It’s brings me near tears. (Like wtf is that about, but it’s not an exaggeration). It’s so nice to have space for me and not have others talking to me, asking me for things, taking care of them.

I still have tumultuous feelings toward my husband and the new house and where things are going. But there is hope I think.

I am grateful: for this French toast latte, for the silence, for the future, for the new workout clothes I ordered, for my watch now having its own line, for a moment to think and journal, for my parents and my brother, for autumn arriving, for pumpkins, for having a porch to decorate.

I will breath, take space for myself, take my medication regularly, find a doctor.