Tuesday Night

Gratitude:

1. Halloween was great! All the boys had so much fun dressing up and trick or treating, but also they LOVED when tricker or treaters came here, shouting trick or treat and announcing that they could have whatever they wanted. I loved it.
2. Great British Bake Off – it just provides me with so much joy
3. Cool crisp weather!
4. Beautiful New England – it was really just the perfect time to move here.
5. Our new house – my appreciation grows daily
6. Pumpkin treats – we made a new recipe (pumpkin spice cake with cream cheese frosting) – so good
7. Being about to walk to town
8. Voting
9. Attending my meeting
10. The lady who waited to hold the door for me after voting

I am really having a hard time getting into a good positive and healthy routine. I cannot imagine going back to work right now. Or putting on clothes that aren’t of the sweat / lounge wear variety. I also really want some chocolate. Like a fudgie (why cant i spell this word without it being marked as incorrect?) brownie – something ooey and gooey. The day didnt start out bad, but somewhere along the line I started to get over stimulated without enough down time or time to think just in general. I also was triggered by thoughts of college. I really struggled in college. I didn’t do well in most of my classes, despite being reasonably smart. I was just a lost soul. I feel like I have been a lost soul for so much of my life just wanting someone to reach out to me, to see my struggles and difficulties, to see my inexplicable internal pain and wounds, to say everything will be okay, to let me know that I am important and cared for and matter. But why? I haven’t had the most traumatic experiences. I haven’t have great abuse or suffering. Well, maybe in later life I have (ya know, that whole being married to a sex addict thing, one who was pretty bottom of the barrel sex addict and identifies as a drug addict and alcoholic although i have trouble identifying him that way and I really am not sure why that is hard for me.) But when I was young, I didn’t. It makes me look back at my familial experiences with a critical eye and then I am not sure if I am now looking for a problem, being overly critical, in order to identify the why, to identify some cause that has resulted in my issues with feelings of self worth and self esteem and confidence. I just am not sure what causes it. Why I feel like what I have to say is not valuable, that I am not valuable, that I don’t have anything to offer.