A new high brings me to a new low

Morning Gratitude:

1. Fun activities with the boys yesterday
2. Spoke to MIL
3. Husband working recovery
4. Holiday season
5. New fleece pants, so cozy
6. A new day with new opportunities to be healthy
7. Reading
8. Having others to reach out to
9. 3 wild and silly and loving boys
10. Flowers from the HIR

So I weighed in at 200 lbs today. Depressing. I don’t know how to get really motivated and committed to change. I need to follow up again with a psychiatrist – I called one and they said they would call back and didn’t. It is ironic that those in mental health aren’t a bit better about that. But I will call again today, part of my self care and recovery. Sometimes I would really just like a quick fix to fix myself-I know it doesn’t work that way, but I still secretly hope for it-a magic pill to not necessarily make all my troubles go away, but to make me motivated to eat healthy, exercise, sleep, and do all the things I know that I need to. During our check-in last night, my HIR and I had a bit of a weird convo about our relationship. It is strained right now. It (we) is probably in the worst place that is has been since discovery, maybe since ever, but it is really hard to compare our relationship pre-discovery and post-discovery, it’s like comparing apples to broccoli or something. But I think that it makes sense given all the stressors in our life right now-moved to a new state where we don’t know anyone, I am not working right now, pandemic rages on, our new house is a very OLD house that needs lots more work than we realized, etc, etc, etc… I am probably in the worse place emotionally and mentally that I have ever been in. Basically what I tried to express that I think we each need to focus on ourselves before we really can expect our relationship to improve. Like how can I be focused on us when i really am not happy with me? I suppose the magic pill is just doing some of the things i know I need to-start there, drink the water, go to bed, walk as much as I can, make the healthiest food choices that I can each day and each moment, be gentle and kind to myself (this part is so hard-I have such a negative monolog that runs internally so much of the time). And take my actual pills everyday. And shower-take a shower! Anyway, I want to make this winter the winter of the hygge – focus on cozy and comfort and read and stay home and try to focus on enjoying the simple ordinary things.

Intentions: Be mindful in my food choices, shower, and organize.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mom. I am a generous person.