Another “Slip”

Chris has another “slip” recently. Except it was not really a slip. It’s relapse. I discovered that he looked at porn – i found it on Tuesday, he did it on Sunday. So many missteps (transgressions? what do i even refer to this as…). He has agreed to disclose information (like this) within 24 hours. We also did a check-in between looking at the porn and when I discovered it. He didn’t disclose. He stated there has been no acting out. When asked if there is ANYTHING to disclose or share that has been left out, he said no. But then there they are, 6 images of naked women on reddit. And when i called him, he was so surprised, shocked that there was porn in his browser. When, where, how??? How could it be? That was his attitude. Then when he confirmed it by checking his history, he stated he didn’t remember even doing that. He denied being high or drunk (because how else could you forget something like this…).

Last night we had a couples counseling session. It was LONG – 3 hours, an hour longer than normal. With the new CSAT. Chris shared that he has been looking at porn for approximately 8 months. He has not reported it to me or others (his personal CSAT, his former regular counselor, his fellows, etc). And then when asked by our couples counselor, he said that it didnt reset his sobriety clock. And when asked what sobriety means to him, he dragged out some SA book and read a fucking definition which of course just basically says that you are sober if you do not have sex outside of marriage and do not masterbate (is that how you spell it? It has the red line under it but no suggestions that are correct…) Anyway, like what kind of game are we playing? This is the gaslighting bs that I cannot live with much longer.

You know what it means to be sober and in recovery and when you pull out a book to read its definition to determine if you are in recovery or even just sober and then use it to explain that although you are looking at porn once a week or so you have maintained your sobriety, then you are not those things!!!!

It is such mind fuckery to have been noticing that he hasn’t been doing the things that support recovery in a long while and him saying everything is ok even though i know everything is not ok. It is such lying, manipulation and gaslighting. I need to just trust myself and when i see this nonsense, i can point it out, but i cannot listen to the garbage i get in response. He can listen to what I say, personally reflect on it, and then decide if he is good where he is or not. And i in turn, I need to decide what I want to do based on his actions.

Sex addiction sucks and I feel like a fool for even trying after the initial discovery. Like what am I even trying to save at this point? And why am I even trying? If looking at porn is cool for the SA, then what I am even hanging around here for? I need an exit plan. That’s what I need to do.