Accountabilility

Life has been challenging in my small corner of the world to say the least. The HIR (is it even right to label him as “in recovery” right now?) recently disclosed relapses that have occurred over the last 8 or 9 months, which he held onto and was not planning to EVER share until I discovered that he looked at pornography recently in our home. This past weekend, he acted out again in our home while I was away with the children at my parents–viewed pornography and masturbated. While these may not seem like a big deal to the “normal” person, he is a Se Addict. This reflects a lack of sobriety and recovery and it is a slippery slope to full blown addiction where acting out in some form takes over our lives (even though in the past, I didn’t realize or understand the depths of the problems). And the icing on the cake, is that right now I am sick and the 3 kids are too. Overall, I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I feel like my H is very concerned with my wrong doings, what I am responsible for, what I am failing at. I seem to be to blame for his feelings, his anxieties, his challenges in getting through his life. What I really need and want is for him to take responsibility and ownership of himself, his thoughts, his actions and behaviors. If he could direct his energies away from my “defects”, perhaps he would be making more progress in his recovery rather than the backsliding of late.

So, I suppose the best course of action for myself is to do the same – turn my focus and energy onto myself. What can I do to help myself? To feel better? To be better? Of course, it goes without me saying, but this is much easier typed than done. I need to figure out my own strategies to acknowledge what I perceive and to move forward with the focus on me. Rather than putting energy into what I wish he would do, put the energy into what I can do. Can I state what i need/hear/perceive and then walk away – take an actual walk, go to a separate space, write out my thoughts, put on music, read a book, take a bath, fold some laundry. I cannot keep putting this energy into him. It is depleting ME and I do NOT deserve that. I am not perfect, far from it. But I am also not a selfish addict who has caused major trauma and abused my spouse. I have not ever acted out with others, i have never sought it out, I have never taken pics and shared them with others, i have never done these awful acts.

It’s hard, I dont know how to heal, how to get better, if I have a spouse I cannot trust, who does not make me feel safe, is not honest. I dont know how to move forward successfully in a relationship where the partner is not willing to fully accept responsibility and make real changes to better our lives (recovery). So, I will take literal pencil to paper and write down what can I do to extricate myself from destructive conversations and arguments and make a list of what I need from my spouse – like physical things I need that can be easily measured through observation.