This was the first break where I think I actually truly did no work. I had planned to but then I was just enjoying my down time and my family too much. Going back today is hard. I kinda don’t want to. But getting paid is nice and necessary. I am trying to embody and embrace the idea of doing the best I can with what they provide which includes time. Their time. The time they pay me for. Not so much on my time, the time that is for me and for my family especially my children. As always, with the start of the new year I am trying to lose weight and get in shape. Any shape that I can feel good about. Still working towards that inner peace and calm, acceptance and joy. I don’t have a word yet for the year. Last year was joy. Will have to come back to that one.

Gratitude:

• Winter break
• The boys
• Everyday being a fresh start
• A job
• Choices

Intentions: Drink water, halt the negative self talk for today at least.

My new therapist asked me an interesting question today. Does my husband feel empathy? My immediate response is yes! But I keep coming back to this question. I know that lack of empathy or inability to feel empathy is a classic sign of narcissism. And I have ruled that out in my mind a few times. And I do think he can feel empathy for others, like is someone loses a loved one or if someone falls and gets hurt, or cancer, etc.

But those are also experiences that don’t involve him. Is it the same when he is involved? Like is he able to understand how his acting out or his misuse of money or his lying impacts me? How it makes me feel? Or does he understand it, but the feelings he is trying to cope with or escape, do they just matter more? Do the “good” feelings or release he is trying to gain, are they just more important? Do his feelings just always out weigh everyone else?

Life has been challenging in my small corner of the world to say the least. The HIR (is it even right to label him as “in recovery” right now?) recently disclosed relapses that have occurred over the last 8 or 9 months, which he held onto and was not planning to EVER share until I discovered that he looked at pornography recently in our home. This past weekend, he acted out again in our home while I was away with the children at my parents–viewed pornography and masturbated. While these may not seem like a big deal to the “normal” person, he is a Se Addict. This reflects a lack of sobriety and recovery and it is a slippery slope to full blown addiction where acting out in some form takes over our lives (even though in the past, I didn’t realize or understand the depths of the problems). And the icing on the cake, is that right now I am sick and the 3 kids are too. Overall, I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I feel like my H is very concerned with my wrong doings, what I am responsible for, what I am failing at. I seem to be to blame for his feelings, his anxieties, his challenges in getting through his life. What I really need and want is for him to take responsibility and ownership of himself, his thoughts, his actions and behaviors. If he could direct his energies away from my “defects”, perhaps he would be making more progress in his recovery rather than the backsliding of late.

So, I suppose the best course of action for myself is to do the same – turn my focus and energy onto myself. What can I do to help myself? To feel better? To be better? Of course, it goes without me saying, but this is much easier typed than done. I need to figure out my own strategies to acknowledge what I perceive and to move forward with the focus on me. Rather than putting energy into what I wish he would do, put the energy into what I can do. Can I state what i need/hear/perceive and then walk away – take an actual walk, go to a separate space, write out my thoughts, put on music, read a book, take a bath, fold some laundry. I cannot keep putting this energy into him. It is depleting ME and I do NOT deserve that. I am not perfect, far from it. But I am also not a selfish addict who has caused major trauma and abused my spouse. I have not ever acted out with others, i have never sought it out, I have never taken pics and shared them with others, i have never done these awful acts.

It’s hard, I dont know how to heal, how to get better, if I have a spouse I cannot trust, who does not make me feel safe, is not honest. I dont know how to move forward successfully in a relationship where the partner is not willing to fully accept responsibility and make real changes to better our lives (recovery). So, I will take literal pencil to paper and write down what can I do to extricate myself from destructive conversations and arguments and make a list of what I need from my spouse – like physical things I need that can be easily measured through observation.

Chris has another “slip” recently. Except it was not really a slip. It’s relapse. I discovered that he looked at porn – i found it on Tuesday, he did it on Sunday. So many missteps (transgressions? what do i even refer to this as…). He has agreed to disclose information (like this) within 24 hours. We also did a check-in between looking at the porn and when I discovered it. He didn’t disclose. He stated there has been no acting out. When asked if there is ANYTHING to disclose or share that has been left out, he said no. But then there they are, 6 images of naked women on reddit. And when i called him, he was so surprised, shocked that there was porn in his browser. When, where, how??? How could it be? That was his attitude. Then when he confirmed it by checking his history, he stated he didn’t remember even doing that. He denied being high or drunk (because how else could you forget something like this…).

Last night we had a couples counseling session. It was LONG – 3 hours, an hour longer than normal. With the new CSAT. Chris shared that he has been looking at porn for approximately 8 months. He has not reported it to me or others (his personal CSAT, his former regular counselor, his fellows, etc). And then when asked by our couples counselor, he said that it didnt reset his sobriety clock. And when asked what sobriety means to him, he dragged out some SA book and read a fucking definition which of course just basically says that you are sober if you do not have sex outside of marriage and do not masterbate (is that how you spell it? It has the red line under it but no suggestions that are correct…) Anyway, like what kind of game are we playing? This is the gaslighting bs that I cannot live with much longer.

You know what it means to be sober and in recovery and when you pull out a book to read its definition to determine if you are in recovery or even just sober and then use it to explain that although you are looking at porn once a week or so you have maintained your sobriety, then you are not those things!!!!

It is such mind fuckery to have been noticing that he hasn’t been doing the things that support recovery in a long while and him saying everything is ok even though i know everything is not ok. It is such lying, manipulation and gaslighting. I need to just trust myself and when i see this nonsense, i can point it out, but i cannot listen to the garbage i get in response. He can listen to what I say, personally reflect on it, and then decide if he is good where he is or not. And i in turn, I need to decide what I want to do based on his actions.

Sex addiction sucks and I feel like a fool for even trying after the initial discovery. Like what am I even trying to save at this point? And why am I even trying? If looking at porn is cool for the SA, then what I am even hanging around here for? I need an exit plan. That’s what I need to do.

1. The beautiful fall foliage continues
2. My mom is visiting and helping for the week
3. Able to donate to the animal shelter
4. Shots! Shots! Shots! Booster and flu ✔️
5. Holiday coffee
6. Beautiful sunny day
7. Being able to stop and breathe yesterday and today
8. My children
9. Sleep
10. Time to be home.

Morning Gratitude:

1. Fun activities with the boys yesterday
2. Spoke to MIL
3. Husband working recovery
4. Holiday season
5. New fleece pants, so cozy
6. A new day with new opportunities to be healthy
7. Reading
8. Having others to reach out to
9. 3 wild and silly and loving boys
10. Flowers from the HIR

So I weighed in at 200 lbs today. Depressing. I don’t know how to get really motivated and committed to change. I need to follow up again with a psychiatrist – I called one and they said they would call back and didn’t. It is ironic that those in mental health aren’t a bit better about that. But I will call again today, part of my self care and recovery. Sometimes I would really just like a quick fix to fix myself-I know it doesn’t work that way, but I still secretly hope for it-a magic pill to not necessarily make all my troubles go away, but to make me motivated to eat healthy, exercise, sleep, and do all the things I know that I need to. During our check-in last night, my HIR and I had a bit of a weird convo about our relationship. It is strained right now. It (we) is probably in the worst place that is has been since discovery, maybe since ever, but it is really hard to compare our relationship pre-discovery and post-discovery, it’s like comparing apples to broccoli or something. But I think that it makes sense given all the stressors in our life right now-moved to a new state where we don’t know anyone, I am not working right now, pandemic rages on, our new house is a very OLD house that needs lots more work than we realized, etc, etc, etc… I am probably in the worse place emotionally and mentally that I have ever been in. Basically what I tried to express that I think we each need to focus on ourselves before we really can expect our relationship to improve. Like how can I be focused on us when i really am not happy with me? I suppose the magic pill is just doing some of the things i know I need to-start there, drink the water, go to bed, walk as much as I can, make the healthiest food choices that I can each day and each moment, be gentle and kind to myself (this part is so hard-I have such a negative monolog that runs internally so much of the time). And take my actual pills everyday. And shower-take a shower! Anyway, I want to make this winter the winter of the hygge – focus on cozy and comfort and read and stay home and try to focus on enjoying the simple ordinary things.

Intentions: Be mindful in my food choices, shower, and organize.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mom. I am a generous person.

Gratitude:

1. Halloween was great! All the boys had so much fun dressing up and trick or treating, but also they LOVED when tricker or treaters came here, shouting trick or treat and announcing that they could have whatever they wanted. I loved it.
2. Great British Bake Off – it just provides me with so much joy
3. Cool crisp weather!
4. Beautiful New England – it was really just the perfect time to move here.
5. Our new house – my appreciation grows daily
6. Pumpkin treats – we made a new recipe (pumpkin spice cake with cream cheese frosting) – so good
7. Being about to walk to town
8. Voting
9. Attending my meeting
10. The lady who waited to hold the door for me after voting

I am really having a hard time getting into a good positive and healthy routine. I cannot imagine going back to work right now. Or putting on clothes that aren’t of the sweat / lounge wear variety. I also really want some chocolate. Like a fudgie (why cant i spell this word without it being marked as incorrect?) brownie – something ooey and gooey. The day didnt start out bad, but somewhere along the line I started to get over stimulated without enough down time or time to think just in general. I also was triggered by thoughts of college. I really struggled in college. I didn’t do well in most of my classes, despite being reasonably smart. I was just a lost soul. I feel like I have been a lost soul for so much of my life just wanting someone to reach out to me, to see my struggles and difficulties, to see my inexplicable internal pain and wounds, to say everything will be okay, to let me know that I am important and cared for and matter. But why? I haven’t had the most traumatic experiences. I haven’t have great abuse or suffering. Well, maybe in later life I have (ya know, that whole being married to a sex addict thing, one who was pretty bottom of the barrel sex addict and identifies as a drug addict and alcoholic although i have trouble identifying him that way and I really am not sure why that is hard for me.) But when I was young, I didn’t. It makes me look back at my familial experiences with a critical eye and then I am not sure if I am now looking for a problem, being overly critical, in order to identify the why, to identify some cause that has resulted in my issues with feelings of self worth and self esteem and confidence. I just am not sure what causes it. Why I feel like what I have to say is not valuable, that I am not valuable, that I don’t have anything to offer.

I am really having a hard time. I need help, I need to see a doctor to follow up on my depression and medications. My ability to handle everything being thrown at me is very limited. I am taking my medication but I am not as consistent as j should be. We are still waiting on the movers, so I am back at my parents with the babes for the next few days. Everything feels so overwhelming and chaotic. Living out of suitcases is miserable. I am envious of those people who are able to make everything an adventure and exciting, that’s not me. Is that really anyone or maybe they are better pretenders, better at the facade.

In this moment though, there is almost silence. A man on the phone, the whir of a refrigerator, espresso shots being brewed. It’s lovely. It’s peaceful. It’s brings me near tears. (Like wtf is that about, but it’s not an exaggeration). It’s so nice to have space for me and not have others talking to me, asking me for things, taking care of them.

I still have tumultuous feelings toward my husband and the new house and where things are going. But there is hope I think.

I am grateful: for this French toast latte, for the silence, for the future, for the new workout clothes I ordered, for my watch now having its own line, for a moment to think and journal, for my parents and my brother, for autumn arriving, for pumpkins, for having a porch to decorate.

I will breath, take space for myself, take my medication regularly, find a doctor.

Such inner turmoil. I am inclined to write that I don’t know how I feel, but that is not really the case. I am struggling with my thoughts and feelings towards and about my recovery SA husband. I am having a difficult time seeing his positive attributes and rather find his weaknesses, his areas that need growth and development, are consuming my view of him and how I see him. I want to write out these thoughts, but I am not sure if that is helpful or harmful. Just considering writing this list, makes feel like I am a bad partner, a bad wife, a bad person – negative and cancerous. But the truth is this is how I am feeling today, seeing things today and I have hope that by writing it down, it will allow me to let it go a bit, to not dwell on these thoughts, that by writing it, my mind can shift its focus.

Things that aggravated me today: My husband puts himself above all others, he does not prioritize what needs to be done (perhaps he just prioritizes things differently than i do), he makes messes and is sloppy, he is overweight and does not seem to care about getting healthier, he struggles to be organized, to keep track of materials/items, his handwriting his illegible, he crumples up papers and gets them dirty, he is not even able to put papers in a file folder and have it look neat from the outside, he spills food and drink on himself daily, he lets things pile up instead of taking care of them right away, he doesn’t always seem to be able to think things through, he responds impulsively rather than rationally, he can be short tempered with our children and get frustrated easily. He is not doing the things that he outlined as important for his health and recovery consistently (lately, it feels like not at all). I am worried about his success at work which is our current livelihood.

Ack! It is good to get the thoughts out. I am trying to not second guess decisions (giving up my job, moving states, buying our new house…), but rather acknowledge that there are no bad decisions in this sense, nothing must be forever (and likely nothing can be). If his job does not work out, there will be other jobs (for us both). If I do not like living here, I can move. If our marriage does not work out, that is okay. I am capable on my own – I am smart, hard working, personable. Life will go on. Life can be good, EITHER WAY.

I am grateful! I am grateful for crisp, fall weather; my beautiful boys; time for myself; new chances and opportunities everyday; my new instagram account to record our home’s transformation; new & redone floors; PSL; being able to move into our new home SOON and NOT be in a rental or temp situation; health insurance; To Do lists and agenda items; someone else taking care of and loving my dog during all this transitional time.

Today, I will allow my self a break, some space when getting overstimulated and overwhelmed. I will listen to my children to hear what they need even when they are not so sure of what they need. I will take time and say no to things that are more than I can or want to do.

To say things have been overwhelming is an understatement for sure. We closed on the new house on Friday and I wasn’t in love. It was difficult, I had only seen the house once in person and then had zillow pictures to look at and of course, everything looks better and bigger in pictures. Seeing the house empty, all the problems REALLY stand out, and there are many. Some big, some small, but almost everything things to get redone. The couple we bought the home from, albeit so sweet and so nice, they really didn’t keep up on alot of things and/or they (he) did things himself and the workmanship is very questionable. He is not a master craftsman, that is quite clear. So then the unease sets in and the questioning-did we make a tremendous expensive mistake???

The floors are getting redone now-removed laminate from one room and refinishing all the rest. This has already helped and we are only at the sanding stage. But then it becomes worrisome re when will everything be dry? When can we move in the furniture? Us? Our rental ends in 5 days, what are we doing then?

So one day at a time, one thing at a time, I guess. Starting today with gratitude practice which has really been non existent and then making a list. That should help. Organizing all the things and writing them down v just random thoughts, ideas, items to do popping up all day long and then feeling like I am not sure where to begin.

Gratitude:

1. A new to us old Victorian home
2. The opportunity to restore and make the new house our home that reflects its history and US as a family.
3. Floor color is chosen – one decision down
4. Take out tonight! School fundraiser – so nice to not have to plan and make dinner.
5. Meeting tonight
6. A new day with few “appointments”
7. Rain today and beautiful weather ahead
8. Being in New England for Autumn
9. Bubba is loving his new school
10. A new day, a new chance at everything
11. My family