Baby Buddha was born and I think he is doing well. Breast feeding sucks (ha, ha). I don’t know if I am making enough. I have to supplement to ensure blood sugar is good and jaundice goes away, but that makes breast feeding harder and at least it feels less successful. I am working hard to feed, supplement and pump but it’s a lot and I am not always great at doing it all. This has been a challenge with every baby and it still doesn’t make it easier. I am working hard to be positive about it and to believe baby and I will be successful at this.

I am definitely having so many feelings. It is a struggle to not lose my temper, to not cry, to feel happy, to not be sad about my situation. And these are struggles I feel I am frequently losing. It is hard having a baby, all of it. The being pregnant, the giving birth, the recovery and the taking care of this new person in addition to taking care of the other two boys, work starting again, a pandemic and of course, the icing on my cake, my husband being a sex addict. I am really having a hard time not thinking about his acting out behaviors especially the ones where he engaged in sex acts with other people but they are invading my mind. I don’t think it helps that he had a relapse within the past 4 weeks. I don’t trust his sobriety right now. And I don’t know if he is really in recovering right now or just fighting to be sober. He told me yesterday that he had a thought in the AM of basically if just fuck it, why even bother? What am I supposed to do with that? Either we are worth it to you or not. And I think we are pretty worth it—I know those babies definitely are.

One of the worst effects of all this is how much it impacts my mental and emotional wells being which in turn totally negatively impacts my children. I don’t want to yell or lose my cool or be impatient with them. They do not deserve any of that. And I am afraid sometimes that all this turmoil will negatively impact them—their behavior, their ability to deal with stress and emotions in a healthy way esp when I feel like I am not doing so myself right now. I fear for them to have addiction issues, like I really am afraid of this. I just want them to be happy and healthy and I also need to be those things but I don’t know how to achieve it.

I told my husband I think he needs to get back to basics right now. It seems like several things have been maybe slipping or pushed off. I also need to get back to basics. I need to start the day with gratitude, intentions and affirmations again. At least try to set the tone in a really positive way.

I also need to be able to detach from him and his recovery. Like it is not my responsibility for you to do the work to be in active recovery. I have to worry about and focus on my health and recovery and my beautiful boys. I just am not really sure how to achieve this healthy detachment. I need to continue to read my recovery books and materials and attend SANON meetings to help figure this out.

Gratitude:

1. Baby buddha
2. Baby bear
3. Bubba
4. Maternity leave
5. Fall weather
6. Getting organized
7. Generous friends passing down lovely baby items
8. Family who support us and send us baby gifts!
9. Coworkers not holding it against me that they have more to do because I am not there
10. Options

Affirmations: …

And fight with the husband, my fault really ( see above re detachment) and so now I am just crying in the baby who I am struggling to nurse and apologizing for bringing him into this fucking mess. And all I can think is what a fucking awful mother he has. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

The baby is here!! Baby bun not baby Buddha has been born. I am so grateful for him and my beautiful little family (maybe not so little anymore?).

Gratitude:

1. Baby Buddha
2. Health insurance
3. Access to good medical care
4. Hubs being home with us for 3 weeks
5. Being released from hospital and able to go home on Sunday.
6. New car that fits us all!
7. Cool weather
8. Organization
9. Netflix
10. Bubba having fun with my parents (but I deeply miss him).

Intentions: To go slow today. Focus on feeding baby and pumping (get that supply up!). Work in the house but recognize whatever I do is great. Everything will not be done today. Get rest.

Affirmations: I am a good momma bear who loves her children. I am strong. I am caring.

Gratitude:

1. Last day before school
2. Family time
3. Pineapple party
4. Things getting done.
5. Delish so fresh blueberry muffins
6. New school year
7. New dog bed
8. Monarch butterflies hatching in the yard
9. Beautiful day
10. I am over the FB BS

Went back to school this week, only professional development. Next week remote learning with students commences. I have to get back on track with morning gratitude and intentions at a minimum. Am currently in the labor and delivery triage due to a high blood pressure. Omg, I am not quite ready for this kiddo to pop out yet. Am trying to relax but my Spotify won’t play without and internet connect and I don’t know the WiFi logon info for the hospital. Hopefully, focusing on gratitude will help me relax and bring down my BP.

Gratitude:

1. My mom for helping us with the boys all week
2. My coteacher for helping to set things up and trying to not put any pressure on me
3. Baby bear for being such a cute, lovey wild man
4. Bubba for being all things him, sweet, loving, caring and sharing, smart and articulate, creative and imaginative.
5. Baby Buddha for being good when monitored and checked
6. Tomorrow is the last day of this work week.
7. My target order arrived (hopefully I will get to open it tonight)
8. Time to relax and maybe take a nap
9. Autumn is coming
10. Chris has an Appt tonight.

Affirmations: I am a good momma who totally loves her children and is working to get better all the time. I am a very supportive and empathetic wife. I am a good coworker who is supportive and shares ideas and resources.

Gratitude:

1. Furniture got moved, heavy lifting is done
2. Baby bear
3. Bubba
4. Baby Buddha (new nickname for bun in the oven)
5. Still have a weekend to go before back to school
6. Getting new BLM tee shirt
7. Target trip today
8. Grocery shopping yesterday
9. Everyone starting the day early!
10. Moving forward in healing

Intentions: Work through to do list. Experience joy. Drink water! Enjoy family time.

Affirmations: I am healing. I am a good momma. I am a supportive wife.

My sex addict husband relapsed yesterday. He was sober for over 7 months. While at the hospital for an ultrasound appointment, he was home with the boys. He did a morning meeting and about 30 minutes later he purposely looked at pornography. Not just lingering too long on titillating images on insta or FB, but just straight up porn gifs, images and videos. He wasn’t on that long and reports that he didn’t go any further, but this is an inner circle behavior (the worst kind of behavior). He has 24 hours to tell me but I found it first. He did admit he looked again later too. When I was home. He was outside.

We are having a baby in about 3 weeks. I am so sad, disappointed and angry. I am frustrated. He was an a$$hole yesterday in general, just short with everyone. He is feeling stressed and overwhelmed I am sure, but me too. That’s what happens when a baby is coming, and school is starting for me next week, and my mom is going to be living with us for the next 3 weeks to help, and there is a pandemic. But this is exactly when you need to dig in, really use your tools and work your program, not throw your fucking hands up and allow ur addiction to take control so that you can avoid feeling discomfort.

So last night he slept in the guest room. His electronics stayed in my room. This will happen again tonight and probably tomorrow. I rewrote the to do list and corrected the priorities. I need to be in charge of what needs to get done at home. I let him know that I need to focus on me, the baby, and the boys. He needs to figure his shit out and get back on track. TBH, he is kind of a mess. There have been some signs lately but I didn’t clearly see them. It’s hard because I want to tell him he is a mess, but I can’t. I still worry about how I talk to him and what I share and say because I do not want to make him feel bad (worse) or impact his recovery in a negative way. But I need to focus on me and my recovery from all this trauma. I cannot allow his addiction to take me down.

Gratitude:

1. Baby is doing well and passed the NST
2. Baby bear
3. Bubba
4. Good dog
5. Deck is repaired and paid
6. Picked delivery date
7. Up early today
8. Moving forward on yard project
9. Making space for myself
10. Cool morning

Intentions: Move through to do list, pause fitness nutrition coach payments, breathe and find the space. Love all the babies.

Affirmations: I am learning to take care of myself. I am strong with more on my plate than anyone realizes. I will not fail the boys.

Away at my parents for the weekend. It was good and had some tough moments all at once. Dietarily, never is great. Too many pitfalls. Had an ultrasound this AM, another big baby which is making me upset and nervous. Had to do a NST too because fluids were a little high. but all turned out ok. Except now I need to see the OB and get a NST, at different locations, every week!!! Sigh.

Gratitude:

1. Baby is doing well
2. Beautiful day
3. Bubba
4. Baby bear
5. Still summer
6. Got good pics of baby’s face
7. Flowers in my yard
8. Hubs on vacay (getting things done? I really hope so)
9. Family time
10. Fall is approaching

Intentions: Work on moving things btw bedrooms. Enjoy the day and family time. Love my boys and be patient.

Affirmations: I am providing a good cozy home for baby. I am a good wife and mother.

There is sooooo much to do before baby and for school. Starting to get very anxious about everything.

Gratitude:

1. Going away for the weekend
2. Bubba
3. Baby bear
4. Netflix
5. Coffee
6. Dates
7. Purging
8. Baby is moving
9. Baby animals
10. Easy meals

Intentions: Finish sorting through armoire clothes, drink water, pack boys and me.

Affirmations: I am a good mom, I am a good wife. I am always trying to improve.

Yesterday was another difficult day. Lots of lost patience, being short, yelling, crying, exasperation. Some desperate thoughts. Loneliness and isolation. Feeling overwhelmed with the present and what’s to come. Focusing on problems and imperfections. Today, I need to relax more and try to focus on the good things. Appreciate the last days of summer, time with my babies, being a family of 4. Don’t worry about crossing the river until I arrive at it.

Gratitude:

1. Lovey bubba, a sensitive soul.
2. Wild man bear
3. Hubs and I talking this morning and arriving at a better place with a little more peace
4. Cool morning
5. Opportunity for solitude and quiet
6. Hugs and snuggles
7. A new day, a new start
8. Fresh brewed coffee
9. Bubba being able to open the gates on his own
10. Believing in myself

Intentions: Relax and go slow, drink water, enjoy the day.

Affirmations: I love my children. I am supportive and empathetic toward my husband. I am growing another human.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba sleeping so cutely next to me, in his baby sleeping position
2. Baby bear is so wild and loving
3. Bedroom touch up painting is done
4. Found some good articles and resources for adding social justice and anti racism into Science classes.
5. Outdoor playtime with boys
6. SANON Meeting last night
7. Baby bun in the oven
8. Gloomy morning, but nice and cool
9. Started Michelle Obama’s book
10. Sunflowers

Intentions: Drink water, self care, count baby boy, make google drive resource folder, work on bitmoji.

Affirmations: I am a kind person, I am a good wife and mom, I am thoughtful.