Yesterday was a tough day. We did a check-in, we try to do these 2-3 times per week. Hubs shared that he had looked at some images lustfully the last few days. Not pornography–that would be relapse, but titillating images, maybe someone in a bathing suit? Or just overly exposed? I don’t know exactly what he looked at, but images on social media or even just media–maybe images that came up unintentionally or ones that he looked for, but he didn’t look away quick enough or turn his lust over (or whatever you do when you are a sex addict working your recovery). It wasn’t spending hours online viewing images or anything that extreme, certainly nothing like what he was doing in active addiction, but it still bothers me. We were intimate yesterday, but it was difficult in the beginning and even during. I don’t want my husband to be a SA, ever in recovery, I just don’t want him to be one. I had a difficult time and had thoughts about when we were younger, pre-marriage, and just things (signs) that bothered me or maybe would indicate this is not a good choice of a life partner–not having a place to live for a short amount of time, lack of care of self and appearance, just things I look back on and wonder, what was i thinking? Did I not think I was worthy of someone who did take care of himself? A person who demonstrated that they did want to move forward in life? Was (is) something fundamentally wrong with me? Was I happy? Was I resigned? Maybe if I had implemented some standards or boundaries then, I would not be where I am today. I told hubs I was a little mad at him and at me–me for the reasons above, him for allowing things to get so out of control. I was struggling to stay focused on the present–my mind went to thoughts of his extreme acting out behaviors–engaging with other people in sex. It was making me feel gross to have his mouth on my body and his hands touching me with those thoughts floating around in my mind. I struggled last night–looked over his internet history, but didn’t really see much that was concerning–a celebrity pic, a women in a bathing suit bottom, etc. When I went to bed it was very late, my mind still churning. He was not wearing his mask and was snoring. He was facing me in bed and too close, on my side. I could not sleep. I could not stop the thoughts. I slept on the couch downstairs. I woke up at 3:07am. He was still asleep–he is supposed to be at work at 3am. I woke him. Not sure if he even knew I had not been in the bed. It bothers me too that he is over sleeping–I want him to be responsible for getting up on time and getting in on time. It’s crunch time–35 weeks and there is so much to do before my mom comes down while I work a couple of weeks and then have the baby. He hasn’t been able to focus as much on his self-care and recovery work. I hate SA–it takes up so much of our life.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba let me sleep a little longer
2. Coffee
3. Baby bear he wild and a lover
4. Baby bun is moving
5. Dates, so yummy
6. Nice weather
7. Things are getting done
8. Still summer
9. Baby will be coming soon
10. Dinner menu planned for the week

Intentions: Move, drink lots o water, do not demand an unrealistic amount from self, attend meeting.

Affirmations: I am a good mom, wife and teacher.

The struggle is real! I just have no patience, I feel like i am always irritated, annoyed, angry, etc. With my family, with life, with the pandemic, with school starting up and still having no idea what the expectations are for me and for students, with racism, with everything really. And I don’t want to actually spend the remainder of my pregnancy like this. I want to enjoy the quickly passing remaining days of summer vacation and of being a family of four. Not sure how to reset myself in this. The hubs suggested a forest bath, which I am down for, and trying to only focus on one task while he is at work (maybe a daily cleaning task) and everything else for when he is home. I think that should help actually. Fingers crossed tomorrow is off to be better start.

Gratitude:

1. Healthy big boys
2. Made a decision re moving / staying (staying!)
3. Emailed the landscape guy to move forward with that project
4. Bookclub
5. Some quiet alone time this afternoon
6. Two weeks of vacation in front of me
7. Projects are happening
8. New (to us) paw patrol toys that the boys were so excited for
9. Hubs was home at a decent time
10. Life

Affirmation: I am good enough as I am. I am important to those who love me. I am a good person and a great wife.

Gratitude:

1. Rainy day
2. Grocery shopping under $125!
3. Opportunity to relax and not be solely in charge of kids
4. Stuff is getting done!
5. BLT lunch
6. Tiny nap on couch
7. Muffins for breakfast (and some eggs with veg & cheese)
8. Easy dinner tonight
9. Soak and a facial
10. Cutie boys

Affirmations: I am empathic. I am doing my best. I love my family and make them my priority.

Gratitude:

1. Rainy day
2. Grocery shopping under $125!
3. Opportunity to relax and not be solely in charge of kids
4. Stuff is getting done!
5. BLT lunch
6. Tiny nap on couch
7. Muffins for breakfast (and some eggs with veg & cheese)
8. Easy dinner tonight
9. Soak and a facial
10. Cutie boys

Affirmations: I am empathic. I am doing my best. I love my family and make them my priority.

Gratitude:

1. Play date
2. Some socializing with another adult human
3. Green smoothie
4. BLT
5. Overtime pay
6. Butterflies
7. Everyone is home tomorrow
8. Baby seemed to be head down yesterday
9. weight gain btw latest appointments not much
10. Decent sleep (considering…)

Intentions: Complete short to do list, read, h2o, try to be patient with everyone.

Affirmations: I am very optimistic. I am changing things for the better. I am kind and caring.

I am struggling everyday at this point when being patient. My poor little ones. I feel swollen and tired and cranky at this stage of pregnancy. The heat makes it worse, although I heard that today is nice out. Like today, my fingers feel twice their normal size and my head is throbbing. All noise is just nails on the chalkboard. It sucks. I don’t want to be a miserable b from here on out. Also, when I talked with hubs this AM he said he had to meet with his supervisors about productivity and fire extinguishers. Stuff like this makes my stomach turn. Is he is trouble? Is his job at risk? Is he not doing his job well enough or is it his management team and their lack of leadership skills. I would say at least it is the weekend, but he most likely has to work tomorrow (which he still didn’t know yet when I spoke with him the AM?). And I also need him home today for an appointment. I don’t know if I am going to come back to the house afterward. I wish I could get a hotel for the rest of this pregnancy. I mean I would still come and visit everyone but I really wish I had some solitude sometimes.

Gratitude:

1. Baby bear
2. Bubba
3. Hubs
4. Extended family
5. Remote learning
6. 2 more weeks of vacay
7. Options and choices
8. Sesame street
9. My bed
10. Appt today, will be able to hear heartbeat

Intentions: Find the space btw response and stimulus, move my body, drink all the water.

Affirmations: I am a supportive and empathetic wife. I love my children. I am working to be a better human.

Gratitude:

1. That my work start date was pushed by for a week so hubs could take a vacation week while I was off.
2. Bubba
3. Baby bear and his sleeping in
4. Target, why is this such a happy place for me?
5. Bagels
6. Started day with yoga
7. My little town
8. Zinnias, so bright and happy
9. The kitchen message board
10. Endless possibilities

Affirmations: I am a good mom. I am a very good wife. I am becoming more peaceful.

Intentions: Walk, drink LOTS of water, target, start a pro / con list for home.

Getting tired and ascared of going back to work. Although we will be starting fully virtual, we, the teachers, may be working from the school building. I don’t actually mind this, although why even bother to risk it quite frankly? I am concerned about professional development–will they be providing the space so that we can social distance properly? But I am also nervous about my own stamina at this point. With both boys I worked to the bitter end, past my due dates. I like to work. I don’t really like to sit around. BUT I was already working (winter babies), not coming off of summer vacation with only a few weeks to go. And like the clothing situation…I probably only have like 3 things that I can wear (between fitting and being school appropriate), but I have little to no interest in buying more maternity clothes this late in the game. Whatever, these are silly problems. All will be fine. I am also getting scared for the actual birth giving part…while I do not want to be induced, I am glad not to go late. I am really hoping for a “small” baby, 9lbs or under would be amazing!

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Baby bun kicking and grooving
3. Summer vacay is still going
4. Attended a meeting last night
5. Progress in recovery
6. Progress in the house
7. Bagels scheduled for lunch! Yum!
8. Decent sleep, considering
9. Zinnias are starting to bloom
10. I recognize that I need to work on control and my need to try to control others at times.

Intentions: Conduct the IEP meeting, start the Core Values worksheet for me and for hubs, get some MOVEMENT in today (yoga?), drink all the water.

Affirmations: I am a supportive wife, a loving mother, and a good person.

This pregnant thing is getting harder. 34 weeks this week. Sleeping for a long period without interruption is basically not possible. Just to roll over, I need to fully wake up to heave this belly over. I am just so tired. School starts in a few weeks and I am worried. I worked past my due dates for both boys, but I was already working. They were winter babies. But now, we have been home since mid March and it’s been summer vacay for the past 2 months. Ugh. I will have to go to the school building and put on real clothes. Fingers crossed. It will only be 3 weeks max. I can do it! 💪🏻

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Baby bun is moving this AM
3. Lawn is freshly cut
4. Coffee
5. PD days got pushed back
6. Cooking not needed tonight
7. Air conditioning
8. Lots of tomatoes in the garden
9. Good connection with hubs
10. Alittle alone time this AM

Intentions: Get cleaning tasks done, book club, send work emails, IEP invitation letter.

Affirmations: I love my children so much. I am a supportive and empathetic wife. I am working to be a better person all around.

Not too many left. Trying to focus on enjoying each day. Great family day yesterday that included a play date for the boys which also allowed for some adult socialization. Also smoothies for all and some hummus for me! Not sure if we have book club meeting today, but I am caught up on my reading, so I feel good about that. I am starting to feel, like I probably do every each as summer’s end approaches, that I have not accomplished enough. I need to push that off and focus on each day.

Gratitude:

1. Fun family weekend
2. Breakfast cookies
3. No rain forecast for today
4. The boys are mesmerized by OddBods in netflix
5. Baby bears diaper rash is gone.
6. Bitmoji virtual classrooms!
7. Projects are getting done.
8. Hubs is working his recovery
9. School will most likely be virtual
10. My parents and their support.

Intentions: I will be productive today and make a to do list. I will enjoy my day. I will acknowledge and push off any negative thoughts and feelings.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother. I am growing as a person. I am working on my own recovery.