Affirmations: I am a good wife. I am a loving momma who working on being more patient. I love my job and work really hard at it.
I am so tired today, I just cannot get enough sleep at this point. And my thirst is in-quenchable today. It’s rainy and dreary and seems bound to be a lazy Thursday. I am ok with that.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Read, drinks tons of water, relax, do yoga.
Affirmations: I am a very good wife. I am a loving mother who is always trying to be better. I am working on my own recovery.
Very stormy yesterday, hubs was released from work early. Power went out in the early afternoon and as soon as my head hit the pillow at 11:15pm, it came back on. Which was so great, but then I spent the next 30-45 min scurrying around turning off the generator and plugging everything back into the regular outlets. And flushing all the toilets!!! Because we have an ejector pump, gotta be super mindful of waste water. That might be the worst part of power outages for me. No damages for us. I will take a power outage over that any day.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Clean up from generator. My laundry. Read and do work in class. Contact school for extension.
Affirmations: I am a loving parent. I am working on my emotional recovery to be a better person and mom. I take care of my family.
Despite all the tough feelings and i guess my own resentments regarding my SA husband or HIR (husband in recovery), yesterday turned out to be a good day. Even though I don’t always like to journal, I do find that writing down my feelings, especially negative feelings, really does help me to put them aside and move forward without perserverating on them and/or taking them out on others. Hubs still needs to work on how he responds and reacts to me when I am at my limit–which i feel like I hover at most of the time right now. Super pregnant, hot, pandemic, school starting soon, new baby almost here (which I do not feel ready for), 2 other babes that i spend each day with, and working on my recovery from trauma due to sex addiction, to say it’s alot is an understatement. I need him to recognize in the moment (not just when everything is fine and dandy) that I have so much on my plate at all times and it does not take much to starting spilling over. And when it does, I need him to remain calm and to step in and make decisions to make it better. This came up this past weekend as well. I was getting worked up–the noise of the boys running around, hubs trying to get some small projects done and he wanted me to make many of the decisions. I ended up totally losing it (he was also not in a great mindset at this time) and then he was basically demanding that i tell him what I needed and for me to make a decision about how to get space. Then everyone is yelling and / or crying and he actually yelled at me that this was all my fault. Like really? It was just disastrous and everyone felt super shitty. Anyway, we recovered. The important part that I am actually trying to get at is that we had watched a 2 part video about this type of trauma which really had great info about the biological and brain response to trauma, particularly the fight, flight, or freeze response. I seem to tend to fall into the fight and freeze responses, and this was definitely an example of freeze. His yelling at me and demanding that I make a decision about how to get the space I needed (do you want to be upstairs or downstairs, should I take the boys out), my brain just stopped working, I just could not determine what I needed and I definitely could not make a decision about it. We both are now aware that in these instances, he has to be a calm force (anther major area of struggle) and make the decision about how to help me and the situation. I hope he gets better at this–i feel like this is one of our more destructive (is that term too strong?) patterns. But I also want to get better at this–I don’t want to get to the point of being a raving lunatic who cannot think or make decisions. Ugh, and all the yelling, the whole situation is emotionally exhausting (leading to what i refer to as an emotional hangover–the whole SA thing tends to lead to a lot of these) and it makes me feel like the worst mother and just person when the kids are impacted in that way. So i have to get better, I have to heal–I deserve it, but more so my wonderful, sweet, innocent boys deserve it. I don’t want to pass on the dysfunction and continue these cycles. Whether i knew what was going on in the past or not, whether i could see and understand the maladaptive behaviors in my midst, I know it and see it now and i MUST make things better.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Be mindful, breathe deeply, work on To Do list, enjoy the time together & do an art project!
Affirmations: I am a loving momma, I am a really good wife, I am improving my emotional regulation.
It was a tough weekend. Very emo. Hubs ended the work week negatively. He was talked to about being in the upstairs offices, taking a break at 6:30am, talking to other employees, disappearing to take a walk, etc. Its hard for me. I support him, but I can also see the issues from a supervisor perspective. He attends a 6:30-7:30 AM SA meeting most week days which he really enjoys. However, if he is not punching out, that is a problem. I don’t think it should be a problem if he does punch out. He uses space upstairs for the meetings because it is private (his office is shared). He doesn’t want to reveal why he has been breaking at the same time everyday, which I totally understand. I don’t know how much time he walks or takes breaks. He has been told not to talk to others (Covid). I am not sure how much he does that. I writing all this shit here because what I want to say to him (and probably have in various ways over the years) is just do what the fuck they tell you. You are an employee and have a job to do and are paid hourly. You can’t look at or compare to what others are doing. Others are salary, others have different types of jobs. Put your best foot forward each day and feel proud of yourself for doing so. There is a big disconnect with us I think in terms of work. I work super hard, I give no shits if other people do less or lower quality work and get paid the same (or more than me). I take pride in what I do. I want to feel good about what I do. My job is not my life, but it is important to me. Hubs just views things different. And frequently I feel like it is a power or control issue for him. It seems to me that he plays games sometimes with work, such as why ask permission now, when you can ask for forgiveness later. Or trying to control your time vs what your boss wants you to do as long as it gets done, etc. I don’t know if my thoughts are accurate. It’s hard to talk with him about it. It stresses him out, he has a shit ton of resentments about work and those he works with, especially his bosses. His feelings are so negative (and I am not saying it’s not justified) that it is poisonous to him and in turn to me. I don’t know how to disconnect from it emotionally. I get concerned because I don’t want him to lose his job (we cannot afford that). Also, I want him to be viewed as valuable at work. He is very smart, he is funny and personable. Even if there is not opportunities to move up there, don’t you want positive recommendations from your bosses? He has had dreams of being his own boss (in what I don’t know), but if you are not driven innately now, why would you be for your own business. Maybe yes, if you were working on it on the side, so your regular job wasn’t your #1 job priority because so much effort was going into your dream, but that’s not our situation either. I always had these types of concerns about him and work, and of course now that I know about his SA, it taints everything including work. Hubs would masterbate at work mostly in a particular bathroom stall. I am sure he spent more time in there than he even realized. He has a difficult time being aware of time. He has also done that in other unused areas of the facility. In the disclosure he told me he did it once with someone else over an app. He would leave work (breaks) to go to the adult bookstore to jerk off, although he would also AO with others there. He would leave work for other acting out behaviors, meeting men and/or prostitutes to engage in sexual activities. I don’t know if even now he understands how his SA and AO behaviors negatively impacted him at work (everyone gets to take breaks), but I would imagine that as his addiction progressed and at different times during his cycle of addiction, his focus would be on his lust and sexual desires (?) and everything else, like family and work, would become secondary at best. While his boss and co-workers may not have known what exactly was going on, I am sure he seemed distracted, unreliable, inconsistent, immature, and just not a stand up employee. He would arrive late because of acting out with others or himself. And even though he is working hard on himself now and has made great strides and progress, it doesn’t erase the past. It takes a long time to change people’s perspectives. It takes a long time and consistency to change your reputation, fair or not fair. And his bosses are not good leaders from what I can tell, and I know that contributes to his resentment. Sometimes he compares his feelings to me and my job. But overall, I love my job. I love working with families and with kids. I don’t always like or agree with my leaders—some I think are just bad. I also think expectations and responsibilities are too great, and not realistic, especially in spec Ed. I always do my best and want to do an excellent job for my school, my students, their families, and for me. But I also feel like a plate spinner (Ed Sullivan Show…), just running from plate to plate so nothing crashes down. And it sucks because sometimes my quality cannot be up to my own expectations due to that. I also do not always feel valued by leadership (Spec Ed gets excluded frequently) and right now, by some parents re the fall opening and the pandemic). But I also don’t think I harbor the same resentments toward others and I still want to do an excellent job no matter what. This is probably one of my longest posts. I don’t know what else to do with these thoughts and feelings. I don’t see my own therapist until next week. They are festering inside and I am hoping that writing them out here helps me to let them go.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Read white fragility (2 chapters min), drink water, move, do an activity with bubba and bear.
Affirmations: I am a good mother. I am an empathetic and supportive wife. I am getting more patient and working on how I handle my emotions.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Take the day slow, enjoy togetherness with my family, read, acknowledge things that bother me (loudness, chaos, etc) and let them go.
Affirmations: I am a loving momma, a good wife, and working on myself.
Saw my therapist at the park yesterday. Was there with the boys and one of bubba’s friends and his mom. Not sure if it was her at first, but then realized it was. I was a total weirdo. It was like once I didn’t really acknowledge or say hello to her, it became like I couldn’t do so and it was an exercise of being in close proximity and avoiding all contact despite kids being all over the place (mine, her friend’s kids, her kids). Ugh. So uncomfortable. I don’t know why I am like that at times. If I had just said a quick hi once I realized it was her, it would have been much more relaxing. And I had a session with her last night. Whatever. Just let it go. In the grand scheme, it’s not a big deal.
Gratitude:
Intentions: I will relax today, read white fragility (1 chap min), fold laundry, drink water.
Affirmations: I am a loving momma, a good & empathetic wife, and continuing to work on myself (body, brain, spirit).
Have some resentments. Need to do some work.
Gratitude:
Intentions: I will be mindful and calm, practice yoga, read, breathe, drinks lots of water today.
Affirmations: I am a good mother, I am working in my recovery and myself.
I question my husband’s judgement. Like, if it’s late, I stop what I am doing to get the kids to bed. Not have them have to work around my schedule. Like they should come first in some ways. I don’t get it. Am I too judgmental?
Gratitude:
Summer days are a blur which can definitely be a wonderful change from the rest if the year. My problem is that once it’s August I tend to focus too much on the fact that it is almost over rather than just enjoying each day as it comes. I am going to try to be more mindful of this this summer. So it was nice to escape to NY even though it was so quick of a visit. The FTD already feels like it was so long ago. I need to review my PCI with the Hubs and make sure I am doing the health indicators i recorded like reaching out to people and physically moving (which is not that appealing to me right now with the heat and humidity and the whole being super pregnant thing). The sexual acting act that was disclosed (pretty much everything from the last 25 years or so) was a lot to take in at one time. Especially all the sexual activity that took place during our marriage—at adult book stores, meeting random or reg people, engaging in sex acts outside, prostitutes, bringing people to our home. I was surprised by the amount of time he went to strip clubs, apparently he frequently worked it into regular tasks like going to the Home Depot so I wouldn’t really realize. And I was also shocked that my hubs was taking pictures of me that I didn’t know about un/dressing. Frequently, like weekly. He also came up with a total of how much money was spent over the years on drugs, sex, and alcohol and it was over $41,000, like enough to buy our whole car in cash. And that doesn’t include adjusting for inflation or indirect losses (time at work, gas and mileage, chances for promotion). It’s hard to know what exactly to do from here. At least in terms of our relationship as a married couple. I hate what he did and I hate his addictions, but I don’t actually hate my husband and I don’t want to hate him. I was experiencing a great deal of anger towards two of his more regular acting out partners on Saturday night. I feel like I hate them and would love to punch them right in the fucking face. I would like to go on the social media of the prostitute and call her out for being the rotten crotched whore that she is and report her to the police, none of which I will do. She is obviously fucked up with her own issues and it is not her fault that my husband was sexually acting out, but I also want to be rageful at someone sometimes and I don’t want that to be all directed at my husband. I don’t want to hate him. Obviously I have lots of recovery work to do. And decisions to make. But the decisions are for another day. Yesterday, hubs and I did go over his inner circle behaviors with him and we discussed consequences if he engages in them again. Basically, a form of separation, temporary and within our home or permanent are basically the only consequences. I hope he never puts us in that position again.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Read, clean bathrooms, attend SANON meeting, drink water!
Affirmations: I am a good person, I love my family, I am working in my personal recovery.
The (mis)Adventures of the MayBee Mom