Routine has been thrown off since last Thursday. Hopefully tomorrow my morning routine will be a bit back on track and I will be able to write out a bit more for this online journal.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba, who is so sweet, kind, loving, funny, and a great big brother.
2. Baby bear who is wild, lovable, smart and funny
3. Baby bun for kicking
4. Visit to NY this weekend
5. Lobster rolls
6. Smoothies
7. Parents who love my children and do so much for all of us
8. A good dog
9. Scan went well this AM and baby is not off the charts in size 🤞🏻
10. Long weekend for the hubs

Intentions: Enjoy the rest of the day as a family. Read. Drink lots of water. Meditate.

Affirmations: I am a good mother and wife. I am working to be a better person for my family, my students, and myself.

Routine has been thrown off since last Thursday. Hopefully tomorrow my morning routine will be a bit back on track and I will be able to write out a bit more for this online journal.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba, who is so sweet, kind, loving, funny, and a great big brother.
2. Baby bear who is wild, lovable, smart and funny
3. Baby bun for kicking
4. Visit to NY this weekend
5. Lobster rolls
6. Smoothies
7. Parents who love my children and do so much for all of us
8. A good dog
9. Scan went well this AM and baby is not off the charts in size 🤞🏻
10. Long weekend for the hubs

Intentions: Enjoy the rest of the day as a family. Read. Drink lots of water. Meditate.

Affirmations: I am a good mother and wife. I am working to be a better person for my family, my students, and myself.

Yesterday was the day, full therapeutic disclosure. Hubs shared everything. It was a lot of information, I know I didn’t absorb it all. It was overwhelming. I asked some questions from the list I had written in advance, but he had addressed most already. I read my impact letter which was super hard. And with a mask on, super gross. I spent the night at a hotel. It was nice to only have to worry about me. Put on comfy clothes, ordered food from where I wanted. Flip flopped between some therapeutic work (journaling, questions, meditation, Completed my PCI) and veggie out with TV, a face mask and chocolate cake. Talked alittle with hubs, he seemed to be doing well (given the circumstances) and so was baby bear. Woke up before 8am, threw on Bravo in the background, ran and got free breakfast, showered. Went shopping at Anthropologie, picked up smoothies, and now I am home. Hubs is doing a Check-in with his CSAT. I am happy we both have this day off.

Gratitude:

1. FTD is done
2. Hubs has time off to relax and recover
3. Green smoothie
4. Hotel stay to relax and focus just on me
5. RHONY
6. Face mask
7. Hummus & chocolate cake
8. Shopping
9. Long weekend
10. Going to pick up bubba

Intentions: Relax today and be kind to self and others.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mom. I am learning to be kinder to myself.

The disclosure was today. I didn’t do my gratitude this morning but am doing it now as I don’t want to skip it. Especially on such an emotional day.

Gratitude:

1. My parents
2. My beautiful perfect little boys
3. The FTD, that it was done and that it is over
4. a chance for renewal
5. That hubs was open and honest (brave)
6. That I have time to my self
7. That I was able to read my impact letter and share some of my many complicated feelings
8. SIL could babysit baby bear
9. Hope for the future
10. Recovery

Affirmations: I am a good mom. I am a great wife. I am empathetic. I am caring. I am trying to improve in so many ways.

It’s shocking it’s been 38 days of summer, it doesn’t feel nearly that long. It’s still so hot. The humidity is high. It’s hard to get outside and get moving but I really need to be moving. I look like I should have given birth last week and I still have over 8 weeks to go. And there’s probably only 4 weeks left of summer. Although I should really be saying, wow, I still have 4 weeks left of summer! I feel uneasy not knowing the SD plan or options. I need to talk to HR and I need to contact my OB re work and COVID 19 and risk. Am I higher risk or not? From what I have read I may not be at higher risk to get the virus, but higher risk for ICU and ventilator if I do. I do not want to get sick. Just having to get tested and recently having to get baby bear tested was scary enough.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba having a visit with grandparents
2. Baby bear slept through the night
3. Lovey boys
4. Some quieter time coming over the next few days
5. FTD will be tomorrow. Prepping for it has consumed so much time
6. Still 4 weeks of summer left
7. Hubs spent time with fam last night and not meeting
8. Someone else made the coffee this AM
9. Some quiet time this morning
10. My home

Intentions: Finish my impact letter and work on racial justice. Laundry. Breathe. Drink water.

Affirmations: I am a good mom and good wife. I am not selfish.

Of course bubba literally spins himself into the corner of the wall last night. And when I say corner I don’t mean an innie corner like you would be made to sit in if naughty, but an outie corner, nose first. I just caught it happening out of the corner of my eye while I did the dishes. And it hurt. Like really hurt. He was up forever last night. I think it’s fine. Bruised for sure and already red. I am eager to see it this morning but being up all night he is still asleep. I recently saw an episode of botched, a show I don’t typically watched, where a guy damaged his nose really badly as a small child running and falling face first into a metal bed frame. It was not good and of course this is what immediately comes to my mind. Ugh. He is awake and just waved to me from an upstairs window. I can access the damage. Fingers crossed.

Gratitude:

1. Baby bear does not have COVID 19!
2. Moving forward with the plans for the FTD
3. Bubba gets to visit his grands for the next few days. He couldn’t be more excited.
4. Bookshelf built
5. Morning time, coffee, & cereal
6. Surprise 3 day family weekend
7. Online Antiracist Q&A
8. Bubba’s nose looks better
9. mounted dry erase board
10. Bubba likes doing his speech sessions virtually and it’s fun to watch him interact with another teacher.

Intentions: Clean 30 minutes, read, enjoy the day. Be calm when everyone is home later.

Affirmations: I am making progress, I am a good wife and mom.

Had a rough time this weekend, especially yesterday. We were discussing refinancing, moving, addition to this house, payouts, etc. it is overwhelming. I don’t know what I want. Where will we be in a year? Will things be better? Am I ready to live forever with SA in my life. Will it always be such a big focus. Will the hubs ever be what I really want and need? Will I have thoughts of his AO behaviors every day for the rest of my life? It is so heavy.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba making me a surprise “birthday” cake
2. Hubs helping bubba make not just a cake, but a Swedish chocolate brownie like cake 🤤
3. Baby bear for just being so huggy and wild at the same time
4. Morning hike in the woods as a family
5. No boys awake this AM when I got up
6. Moving forward although it is not easy or painfree
7. New car is pretty sweet
8. An unexpected 3 day weekend
9. Early morning target run is on my horizon
10. Although it will be brutally hot today, I could sit out side to do my morning routine

Intentions: Read, clean, love my family

Affirmations: I am working hard for my family, I am a good wife and mother.

Gratitude:

1. New car! Maybe not so grateful for the new much higher car payment, but at least one thing done.
2. Friday. I love fridays.
3. Bubba went back to sleep after he was ready to party at 3:30 this am.
4. Dx appt for baby bear, can get that cough checked out and I don’t have to feel so concerned about it. I think there might be an ear infection actually.
5. Hubs continues to work his recovery.
6. Hubs did NOT go to the drill at the fire department last night, super helpful to me.
7. Finalized baby registry.
8. Did my morning mindset routine every day this week (I think…)
9. Attended an SANON meeting this week, maybe I will have more of a community support to deal with this.
10. Dreary day—sometimes they are needed.

Intentions: Take care of my self today (walk, yoga, shower). Practice acknowledging feelings of anger and choosing to not respond in anger. Build shelf by the end of the weekend!

Affirmations: I am taking care of myself. I am a good wife. I am a good mom.

I really need to practice some gratitude this morning.

Gratitude:

1. My aunt received the flowers
2. Baby boys who are so loving and cute even when they are precocious
3. Car stuff seems to be moving forward
4. Baby is moving a lot
5. Cooler day
6. Couples session yesterday
7. My comfy bed
8. Intimacy with hubs
9. My cute little town
10. Glucose test results normal!

Intentions: Breath deeply, work on my impact letter and practice being patient with those around me (my children esp).

Affirmations: I am trying to be better. I am working on my recovery.

Gratitude:

1. My 3 hr glucose test results all fell into the normal range!
2. It’s still July
3. Beautiful morning
4. Woke up on my own
5. Attended first SANON meeting
6. Loving baby boys
7. School doesn’t start for awhile.
8. My new women in stem posters!
9. Anti-racist Book club
10. Husband made a big effort to not just work on disclosure but also to clean up kitchen after dinner last night.

Intentions: Hang up pictures in room. WALK! Think about issues before today’s couple session.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother. I am working on recovery. I am a caring teacher.