Gratitude:
Intentions: Be productive early in the day. Attend a SANON meeting (my first…). Love my family
Affirmations: I am a good mother. I am a good person. I am working to heal myself to be better all around.
Not quite the regular weekday routine today. Hubs took off from work and I am doing my 3 hour glucose test this AM. Woo hoo! Just chugged my orange drink and can now wait in my car for 3 hours. I just hope I pass this time. I am struggling so much with diet. I am so challenged by this and feel so weak in following through on being healthy. And even though hubs says he is going to be supportive and says he also is needing to get back on track with his diet, he also makes bread last week and biscuits this weekend and yesterday ice cream, chocolate with brownie mixed in (Ben & Jerry’s-like, one of my go to favs). So it’s tough because on the one hand, it’s great that he wants to take care of us and feed us and make things that I specifically like, but also, omg, we want to avoid me having gestational diabetes not encourage it.
I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I always so look forward to the weekend and the hubs being home with us, but it is not uncommon for this to end up being stressful too. I feel like I yearn for time together and than when I get it, i don’t always enjoy it. Like I see all kinds of issues or things being “wrong”. I see imperfections. I get impatient. I feel like I don’t get what I need (I don’t even always know what I need). It is a sucky cycle.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Read white fragility chapter, be patient, don’t make assumptions, enjoy my family.
Affirmations: I am strong. I can make positive changes. I am a good wife and mother.
Today is a tough day. I feel like I have an emotional hangover. Hubs will be home soon which is good. Lots of intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors last night and early this morning related to his SA and acting out. This is the type of thing I hope the FTD helps to reduce / eliminate. Definite need for self care today. Going to try to read my current spouse recovery book (1 chapter) and work in my impact letter. While that’s also a draining exercise it can also be cathartic to write things down.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Rest and take of my self.
Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother. I am practicing self care.
This must be a fast entry. I have so much to do today, finish my book club chapters before 11am and make hummus and cut up veggies before 12:30 😬. I am feeling behind in general. And it’s another humid day. Never actually rained yesterday just stayed hot and oppressive.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Be ready for my book club and bbq. Don’t be afraid to be distant and wear my mask. Work in one other thing today.
Affirmations: I am going to be calm today. I am going to enjoy my time with friends today. I am a good and loving wife and mother.
I really have no idea what day it actually is. We have a tentative date for our FTD. July 23. I am already starting to feel nervous about it. Just waiting to see if SIL can baby sit that day for baby bear. Bubba should be able to go to GP’s. I need to work on my impact letter. I started it on Monday. I feel like by the time I am done it will be a novella. It’s peaceful outside this morning. It’s nice to take a moment to take it in. It’s humid but not too hot yet. It should rain today. Hopefully the humidity will go down. This looming recovery task, the FTD, is kinda like this humidity. It envelopes you and ways you down. I can only hope that the disclosure will be the storm and after the sun will start to peak out again, maybe even a rainbow will appear and we can move forward bathed in the light and the truth and although it will hurt maybe it can also allow us to truly heal.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Read my book club chapters, work in impact letter, walk, do an hour of chores (inside or out).
Affirmations: I am taking care of myself. I am a good mom and wife. I am working on improving.
I think? Maybe I should give up in counting the days. Already this month seems to be flying by. I need to get my glucose test redone, the 3 hour test. Ugh! I had weird dreams last night. Hubs had some communication issues, like wasn’t communicative enough and I spiraled out in upset ness. He agreed he needed to communicate more and be clearer about things such as time. We discussed how time, lack of communication and inability to get in touch with him are all triggers for me and we went over some boundaries around that. I believe he understands and wants to make the changes and is committed to doing what I need in these areas. Being triggered feels awful. Spirally our emotionally feels awful. Especially when I am with the boys. I also need to work on my ability to react better and not let it impact me so greatly. I also am unsure when setting boundaries around these things what the consequences are if he does not stay within the boundary.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Be mindful with my time and of my family, enjoy the babies and hubs, move through list.
Affirmations: I am a loving mother and wife. I am working on my recovery and on my self to be a better person and educator.
I think? Maybe I should give up in counting the days. Already this month seems to be flying by. I need to get my glucose test redone, the 3 hour test. Ugh! I had weird dreams last night. Hubs had some communication issues, like wasn’t communicative enough and I spiraled out in upset ness. He agreed he needed to communicate more and be clearer about things such as time. We discussed how time, lack of communication and inability to get in touch with him are all triggers for me and we went over some boundaries around that. I believe he understands and wants to make the changes and is committed to doing what I need in these areas. Being triggered feels awful. Spirally our emotionally feels awful. Especially when I am with the boys. I also need to work on my ability to react better and not let it impact me so greatly. I also am unsure when setting boundaries around these things what the consequences are if he does not stay within the boundary.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Be mindful with my time and of my family, enjoy the babies and hubs, move through list.
Affirmations: I am a loving mother and wife. I am working on my recovery and on my self to be a better person and educator.
How can it possibly be 22 days into summer already. Even with the quarantine time warp I feel like it is flying by. We did a lot of socializing this past week and now I am feeling nervous about it and kind of want to go back to total lockdown. My mom was here for the week. We took a hike with a friend and her two kids. We went to a friends and ate outside. And positive cases continue to climb and I am alittle nervous. But this week I am happy to get back to my simple routines. I feel like I was not at all productive last week. I didn’t do much of any of all the things on my list. So I will refocus this week. And get some things done.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Get things done, move my body, love my family.
Affirmations: I am a good mother and wife. I am a good person who cares about others. I am growing.
I already don’t know what day it is. Oh well. I can figure that out later. Need to do the 3 hour glucose test, I was 10 points higher than the cut off. Not so thrilled about that, but I also know I have gotten too big too fast this pregnancy so hopefully this can just serve as a wake up call and I can get back on track. Baby is good and moving though so that’s great. FTD is getting closer and I need to write my impact letter. I don’t really want to write it but even more so I don’t want to read it. Out loud. With 4 of us in the room. But it will be for the best in the long run. Will try to start working on it this weekend.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Enjoy family time. Be purposeful with my time. Be kind to self.
Affirmations: I am a really good and supportive wife. I love my children. I am an empathetic person who is trying to do better individually and as an ally.
The routine has been thrown off a bit. Family is visiting and I had an early AM OB Appt yesterday, so I never got to my morning wake up and gratitude, etc. I feel like I have been thrown off all week, but it is also good to have someone else around during the day. And the ability to do little things together with the hubs, like test driving cars and making a target run.
Gratitude:
Intentions: Eat mindfully, get exercise, work on daily To Do list.
Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother. I am working on my own recovery from trauma. I am working on being a better anti-racist and ally.
The (mis)Adventures of the MayBee Mom