It’s going fast already, the summer. I love June because it always feels like there is so much time ahead of me, that endless summer feeling. It’s a beautiful morning, although projected to be 90 today 😓 , a morning walk is probably in order. The weekend had a rough end. I feel like sometimes my spouse does not make good choices even when we have discussed them in advance (getting to bed early) and that frustrates me and then I think he feels I am trying to control him. I just want things to be happy and peaceful and sleep is a big part of that. Then it often feels to me that he will do whatever to “defy” me even though again I don’t want control. I want a safe and secure life with a full and healthy partner whom I can trust. Today is a new day.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Dog is on a vacay
3. My family
4. Blueberry muffins
5. Cool mornings
6. Heard back from landscape company
7. Decent sleep
8. Target is on today’s agenda
9. Leftovers (so no cooking needed!)
10. Baby boys (the deserve a second mention)

Intentions: Be patient and kind, enjoy family time and moments of solitude, move and drink water.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother. I am working on my trauma recovery. I care about the world and want to make it better for all.

The last few days have been a little tough. Yesterday in particular. Part of my husbands recovery plan is to really take the lead at home with chores and responsibilities to give me space to heal and recover. Also, I am pregnant, so that makes it even more important for me. But I feel like the enthusiasm for it doesn’t always last that long. It worries me about long term recovery. And our future.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Weekend
3. Morning peacefulness
4. Coffee
5. Summer off
6. Hummus
7. Sleep
8. Queer eye
9. Reading
10. Good dog who mostly listens

Intentions: Clean the house, enjoy family time.

Affirmations: I am a good wife and mother. I am a good teacher and role model for my students. I am actively working to be anti-racist.

Gratitude:

1. Family
2. Baby boys
3. Coffee
4. Cool quiet mornings
5. Lobster rolls
6. Book club meeting
7. inspiration to do and be better
8. Things getting done
9. Time to relax and rejuvenate
10. The weekend is here

Intentions: Read, find posters for school, clean and enjoy the boys.

Affirmations: I am thoughtful and kind. I love my family. I am working to heal.

Gratitude:

1. Cinnamon and br sugar oatmeal
2. Peaceful mornings
3. The boys
4. Busy day but will get to check off several things from the To Do list.
5. Husband is in the light and working on his recovery
6. Hubs from babes
7. Back is not hurting this AM
8. Weekend is near
9. Sassafras trees
10. Fenced in play area for boys

Intentions: Be active, enjoy my family, be productive.

Affirmations: I am a good and loving mother and wife. I am a caring teacher who is working towards being a better ally by being more anti-racist.

I am not getting enough sleep. This is not helping me. I have been having too many sad, feeling bad kind of days. Including today. I just woke up feeling and thinking all the negative thoughts about myself, just randomly popping up thoughts that remind me I am not good enough, smart enough, like able, etc. Just moments throughout life that just reinforce those negative feelings. And then of course there’s the part of your mind that knows everyone is worthwhile, everyone has positive attributes, everyone is lovable. But today what I know and what I feel are just not syncing up. Maybe by the end of this journal entry, gratitude and intentions, i will be on my way to resetting.

Gratitude:

1. Cool breezy morning
2. Little pool set up for the boys
3. Joined an anti-racist book club with some fellow teachers
4. Deck to be repaired tomorrow
5. Cute baby boys
6. Little bean is moving through the day
7. Hubs continues to work his programs
8. Father’s Day shirts were a success
9. Lots of birds in the yard and lots of songs
10. Taking walks

Intentions: Enjoy the boys. Recognize when I am getting emo and take a break, even if just for 15 sec. Find the space btw stimulus and response.

Affirmations: I love my family and work hard for them everyday. I am a good mother and wife. I am worthy of feeling good.

I don’t know how I will ever actually keep track of the days. Husband is spending a lot of time working on his full therapeutic disclosure (ftd). This is good so we can get it done. But this is scary too. I am nervous to hear about all the acting out he engaged in during his active addiction. Especially in one sitting. I think the shear volume of information will overwhelm me, physically, emotionally and mentally. I do want it all on the table. I want to have questions answered and not have to worry that there is more. But like, the volume. The amount of acting out. The amount of sex with people that are not me. I don’t know if I am equipped or prepared enough to hear it all. And that’s not even taking into account all the other inner circle behavior. The porn, the messaging with ppl, the pictures, the masturbation, the apps and Craigslist. I hope I am able to recover from all of this.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys ❤️
2. Baby 3 always moving
3. Work on my class yesterday. Must keep moving forward on that today.
4. Temp fence is complete, we can play outside in an enclosed area
5. Being productive
6. Coffee
7. Cool mornings
8. Hubs work day is back to FT but starts early, so lots of fam time this summer
9. Hubs continues to work his recovery
10. It’s still June.

Intentions: Be present with my boys, enjoy time as a family, get things done that are important for me.

Affirmations: I am a good mom and a really good wife. I am an empathetic caring person who works hard for her family and to make this world a place I want for myself and my children.

Weekend was really good and really tough. I had a lot of intrusive thoughts about things my husband engaged in while actively in his addiction. Thoughts about what I know he did and questions about what he did. And a lot of thoughts about me…where was I when he was acting out? All the time he spent engaging in acting out behaviors, with others or by himself, all that time that could have been spent together, spent on doing something fun, working on projects on our home, moving towards our goals (developing goals and dreams together). Was I just home alone? Lonely? At the gym? Just like, wtf. It’s just hard to know your person wasn’t your person at all. Am I making the right decision to try to work on things? I also feel so vulnerable in my current position, not only with two very young boys but also pregnant. I did tell hubs that if there is any inner circle behavior, we will have a separation within our home. Separate bedrooms, no romantic interaction. He agreed. I really do believe him that he will not do these things again, but it’s hard to know whether I can trust him or my own judgement at this point.

Gratitude:

1. Lovely family weekend
2. Farm market
3. New fam shirts for Father’s Day were a hit
4. Walk in the park, saw horses
5. Yummy meal yesterday
6. Beautiful cool morning before the heat wave that’s a coming
7. Baby boys
8. My family
9. Lists
10. Smoothies

Intentions: Love my boys and be patient. Make a list of projects for the summer. Read, drink water and walk.

Affirmations: I am a good mom. I am a really good wife. I am empathetic and come from a place of care and concern.

I need to get my feelings in check. Why am I getting so irritated sometimes with babies? Like wtf! I hate that my fuse is so short and that so many things get me upset. I hope that as I continue to recover from trauma this improves because all it does it make everyone feel bad esp me. I must find the space btw stimulus and response.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Hubs working his recovery
3. Hubs taking responsibility when someone else referred to me as “controlling”
4. Catching up with a good friend
5. Time outside of the house to do something fun
6. Friday!!!!
7. Weekend is soon
8. Grandparents sending surprises to the boys
9. Babes sleeping in
10. No rain this AM

Intentions: I will find the space. I will enjoy being with my family. I will get things done.

Affirmations: I love my family and put them first above all else. I am taking time for self care.

Today is off to a rough start. Maybe it’s the rain. Hubs is off, which is great, but maybe that and the rain have thrown me off the AM routine I am trying to implement for myself to ensure I do some self care and setting the day up right (in a good head space). I don’t know, but I am going to try to get back on track.

Gratitude:

1. New shoes arrived for the boys
2. Emailed the landscape guy my stuff, feels good to be making progress
3. Deck repairs scheduled for next week
4. Lunch with a friend
5. Even on a rainy day, summer!!
6. The ability to reset
7. Counseling appt tonight
8. Feeling the baby move everyday
9. Heating pad
10. Hummus planned for lunch

Intentions: I will enjoy family time today. I will continue to care for myself and be productive.

Affirmations: I am a good and loving wife and mom. I am taking care of myself. I contribute positively to create a world I want for my children.

Actually got to do a little social distancing socializing g last night which was great. The coffee pot lid broke this morning, not as great. Trying to make it a good day today. Hubs is meeting with a friend who said they needed to talk. Like what could this be about? Something about the friend or something about the hubs? Did someone find out? Funny I was talking to someone last night about secrets and they can be shame inducing even when they are there to cover up other shame and how it can just be toxic to have secrets, etc, and it def brought a wave of shame over me. To know there is this secret that we have. But it’s such a tough topic. It’s so taboo. And it just makes everyone look bad in some way. I never know the right beat thing to do, so I will just try to keep moving forward.

Gratitude:

1. Night out
2. Sweet bisquit
3. Baby boys
4. The baby in my belly
5. My car
6. Summer time
7. Beautiful weather
8. Friends’ new baby, so happy for them
9. Nearby park
10. Hubs in recovery

Intentions: I will have a great day—enjoy my family, move through my to do list, drink water, have some laughs.

Affirmations: I care about others. I am a good wife and mother.