Mondays

Not waking up to a great start. Overwhelmed with how behind I am at work, being observed today and have not had a pre-obs meeting yet, paperwork piling up, hubs has 2 appts this afternoon/evening, so it’s all me until like 7pm. I feel like I have no control over my eating. I look at least 5 months pregnant and I am not even 3. It’s another boy we found out and I am happy the screening came back as low risk / normal limits, but I was really hoping for a girl. Even though I am not super girly, I would like to buy cute little girl dresses and get nails done together, shop for proms, plan a wedding, all those girly things. But then I feel bad that I am alittle disappointed. I have to imagine I am not alone in that.

Gratitude:

  1. Prenatal screening came back low risk
  2. Good weekend
  3. Did a lot of food prep yesterday
  4. My baby boys are so sweet and so lovey
  5. Good dog

Intentions: Drink so much water, track food (I must do this), finalize 1 IEP, sleep.

Wednesday Work

I will be better at this!!! I have been so tired lately. I really need the sleeps! I am not doing a great job of falling through on my recovery plan or activities like getting more sleep, tracking my food, steps, etc. Maybe I am just not committed enough? Or motivated enough?

Unrelated, I quit the gym yesterday. We need to make severe budget cuts to plan for baby gate. I was disappointed the gym owner didn’t even respond to my text. I know it’s just business, but she tried to make it feel very personal, so I thought she would have the decency (care even slightly) to respond. Especially because she knows why (baby, budget) and that my life has been tipsy turvy lately (not the details). Even in terms of business, this will not hopefully be my forever. Wouldn’t you like me back in a year or two? Also, it just kind of hurt my feelings.

Gratitude:

  1. Baby boys
  2. Bun in the oven
  3. My car
  4. My job
  5. My parents
  6. Coffee, even if it’s half caf

Be focused and productive at work. Say something positive to the adults I encounter. Work on observation paperwork. Sleep & hydrate!!!

Gratitude is Not Always Easy

Having a tough time being very grateful today. Instead I am feeling angry and resentful. I am struggling already with weight gain with this pregnancy and I am not even at 12 weeks. I don’t want to be this heavy and feel this gross but feel like I can not control how much I am eating and cravings.

Gratitude:

  1. Beautiful boys
  2. My parents
  3. I have a job that pays decently well
  4. Health insurance
  5. My car

Intentions: Be productive at work and home, be positive, sleep & drink water!!!

Another Week

Mondays 😩 so the good news is that apparently at those “massage” parlors, my husband only got happy endings (hand jobs). How sad that I feel better about him going there knowing he did not get oral or have intercourse. It’s sort of pathetic really but like wipe the sweat off my brow.

Gratitude:

  1. Good family weekend
  2. Hubs can stay home with sick baby
  3. Got rest & didn’t do too much
  4. Nice sunny weather
  5. Car had oil change & routine maintenance

Intentions: Be focused & productive at work. Acknowledge and push aside negative thoughts. Preplan food and track it! Severely limit sweets (no matter what the little gummy bear demands). Start doing affirmations.

Surprises…

So an acquaintance shared with us during my first pregnancy that he thinks that everyone should wait until the birth to find out the gender of a baby because whenever do you ever get surprised anymore as an adult…this is something my husband loved to say all through my first two pregnancies. And while the rhetoric got annoying, I agreed. It was exciting. But here I find myself, in my third pregnancy, having experienced so many surprises recently that I just can’t bare the idea of not finding out the gender this time.

My husband is a sex addict. I just found out while walking the mall to try to ensure that I get 10000 steps that yes, he did in fact go to “massage” parlors. He was caught of guard when I asked. It just popped in my head as we walked by one that I assume is an actual massage parlor. And I didn’t really think he would say yes. So he gets all uppity and I now have this new bit to process. And I feel like I keep getting little bits. And I am frustrated with that. I want all the information. All the f*ing details at once. So I don’t keep getting slapped in the face over and over. And with each new tidbit, it becomes all consuming in my mind while I process it and work through it and come to some place of settling with it. But with each new bit, there are more questions. And he can’t or he won’t always be able to answer them immediately. Like today. We are in the f*ing mall getting steps and some baby play time and it’s not exactly ideal to have an in-depth discussion about the depravity of my husbands actions with prostitutes in a massage parlor. Like how do you even know it’s “that” type of place? And if it is so obvious because it is so disgusting, why the f would you do it? Why? Why? Why? A million times why? It is so much some times that I just don’t know where do we go from here? How do I move ahead? Do I just keep the slow trudge forward? Is this what’s best for me? For my children? And everything says don’t make big decisions for like a year, but when will I know I will be ready? And how do I get to that place? What is my plan for recovery? Where are my supports? It’s dandy that the addict who caused all this disruption and chaos and has been acting out so selfishly for so long gets multiple therapists and support/recovery groups and plans to follow, steps to take, but what about the victim of him and his actions? What about me? At least fewer surprises would be nice for now.

Gratitude:

  1. baby boys
  2. Car finally got an oil change
  3. Prof pics taken today
  4. Still another day off
  5. Ultrasound results were normal

Trying to Deal With It All

So I am pregnant. It happened on Dec 26th. My husband started his sexual sobriety Jan 7th. I found out he was a sex addict Dec 18th. I find out new details sprinkled in overtime. This is a lot of shit to process and work through and feel. And it will sucker punch you anytime you don’t expect it (hmm, redundant? That’s the definition of a sucker punch right?). Like in the middle of your circuit training class and you just retreat into yourself and want to desperately not be around other people. I think I can already come across as not friendly, this makes it worse. I need to focus more on my self, my health, my recovery. I don’t exactly know how to do that, what steps to take. It would be “nice” to talk to someone else with a similar experience. The family of addicts group is good, I have open up and shared but not everything. I am not comfortable sharing everything. It feels so different. It feels so depraved. It feels so shameful.

Gratitude:

  1. Baby boys that are such love bugs. I am so lucky.
  2. Family group meeting
  3. Made it to the gym last night
  4. Coffee, even if it is decaf
  5. It’s not raining!! ☀️

Intentions: Acknowledge and push aside negative thoughts. Be focused and productive at work. Enjoy my time at home. Rest & water!!

Another Day

I feel like trash today. Like I am literally a piece of f*ing garbage. These feelings suck. I learned some more details of my husbands sex addition and his infidelities and it is so hurtful. And it makes me wonder does he deserve to have a marriage with me? Does he deserve a chance? This is such a painful experience.

Gratitude:

  1. Beautiful sweet loving baby boys
  2. A miracle gummy bear
  3. It’s already wednesday
  4. Family group therapy tonight (I hope it is positive and helps me to deal with things)
  5. Weather has been so much nicer! No rain and some sunshine.

Intentions: acknowledge and push aside negative thoughts. Accomplish what I can at work. Get sleep and drink water.