It’s hard to refocus my mind on the positives and to be grateful when I find myself married to a sex addict and I don’t know if some things will ever change. It’s hard to keep my mind focused on me and the boys and moving forward and healthy way when thoughts of your husband driving around a prostitute to get services pop into your head unexpectedly. Just because you are trying and mostly doing the right thing now doesn’t erase all the fucked up shit that you were doing and that I was living with for so long. It never will.

Gratitude:

1. Working at home on Wednesdays all year
2. Beautiful perfect weather today
3. Got my list of things done
4. Last 2 days ahead of me
5. Flowers in bloom
6. Birds chirping
7. Bertucci’s for dinner
8. Grandma can retire from babysitting everyday
9. Summer is just days away
10. Yoga streaming
11. Fat fuzzy bumble bees

The next two days will good. Productive and light hearted. I am not too much.

1. My mom to take care of bubba today
2. David Attenborough
3. Below deck
4. Chocolate shop
5. Bear
6. Getting in my walk
7. Yummy dinner
8. Last week before summer vacay
9. Doing positive things for me
10. Getting it done

My eating feels out of control. I have been binge eating lately, a lot. It is such a shitty cycle. It makes me feel bad about the eating and in turn how I look and feel in my skin, which encourages further binging. I am struggling to control this negative cycle, I have not been able to grasp the reins on it and use it to motivate me to change. I have also been inconsistent taking my antidepressants which has not been intentional, but I am assuming this has been having a negative impact too. I actually think I may also need an increase in meds, but that’s difficult to say when I am not being consistent.

We are going to a graduation party today. I will see people I haven’t seen in awhile. I am embarrassed by how fat I am and how bad I look. I don’t really want to go because I don’t want to be seen. It feels shitty. I think it is important that we do not have food in our home that I want to avoid. I think I have been getting in a kind of addictive cycle, having a little makes me crave more and more.

Gratitude:

1. Weekend
2. Time for myself
3. Yoga this AM
4. My funny lovey boys
5. Lilies are blooming
6. Cuddles with Buddha baby
7. Choices
8. Flowers from my son and hir.
9. Last week of school
10. Yummy banana bread

Gratitude:

1. It’s Saturday! Our little family day!
2. It’s not rainy today
3. Indian food for dinner last night
4. Neighbor party
5. My 3 boys, I love them so much
6. Sleeping in
7. Top chef
8. My life
9. My home
10. Nature
11. Making banana bread today!

Gratitude:

1. Morning meditation
2. IEP day
3. Fresh Air and Terry Gross
4. Breakfast provided tomorrow
5. Walk tonight
6. Pistachios
7. Air conditioning
8. Take out tomorrow
9. Couples intensive Friday is tomorrow
10. Yummy dinner

The food intake is my current biggest hurdle. I am just going to try to be positive, mindful, and not to mean to myself right now.

1. Working from home
2. Bagels
3. Freshly cut grass
4. Got in a walk
5. Yoga
6. Brie cheese
7. One week left (well 5 in person days…)
8. Baby thighs
9. A shower and feeling so clean afterward
10. Nature!

Why is it so hard to be consistent? To set a good routine? As the nuns would say, the road to hell is pa Ed with good intentions. On a positive note, I got in my walk today, listened to weight loss mindset podcasts, and started the day with some gratitude meditation and intentions. Not too shabby.

1. Hubs has 2 job interviews coming up
2. My students. I really enjoy them.
3. My coworkers are pretty great.
4. My grocery shopping partner in crime
5. My puppers
6. My old dog, she was in my dreams and thoughts today. I miss her and am so grateful she was in my life.
7. Achieving goals
8. Possibilities
9. All the wildlife I saw on my walk tonight: bunnies, deer, baby geese (and their parents).
10. Sushi
11. Family 80s themed dance party

1. My home, I will miss it when we move
2. Quiet time to reset and be peaceful
3. 2 weeks of school left
4. The sounds of nature
5. Shopping with bubba
6. Giving gifts to others
7. Support
8. Sassafras trees
9. Realizing I needed to get TP before I got stuck without it
10. Long hot walk yesterday

Today will be a good day. Today I will be calm and peaceful. Today I am happy and love myself.

Trying to be mindful. Trying to start the day right. Did a self compassion meditation. Gratitude. Talking a walk. I want to have a good day. I want to not be on edge all day. I want to enjoy my family and be in a state where they can enjoy me.

1. Couples meeting, and it was small which is nice.
2. Sleep
3. Fresh coffee
4. Starting the day with a self compassion meditation
5. Family weekend, it’s just us
6. It’s not raining!
7. Only 2 weeks of school left.
8. Top chef
9. Walking
10. Space

So I am always so grateful for my beautiful loving funny boys. They top my list everyday. They are the greatest things that have ever happened to me and will be always. So my fat person coach basically told me that this was a given and understood. I am going to not add them to my list, at least not just listing baby boys. Like maybe specific things I experience with them, but not generic.

1. My walk
2. Last IEP meeting for the year
3. IEP day tomorrow
4. Getting to work from home on wednesdays
5. House pics taken today
6. Outside of the house looks lovely and adorable.
7. All my flowers
8. My million dollar view
9. My mom
10. The clean sheets that will be on my bed tonight