Gratitude

I have been struggling this past week, but in particular this weekend. I am feeling very down, lonely, and not wanting to participate in any groups (A-non). I feel like my participation is not valued, like I either don’t have anything to contribute. I am struggling with eating and turning to food for comfort and to feel better (which as we all know if just fleeting, and then of course I am left feeling even worse because I not just sad but fat too). I want to hit the eject button—just eject and disconnect from people and groups, curl up in a ball, wallow in my misery. This Sucks.

Gratitude:

  1. Baby boys
  2. Bagel
  3. Back to a regular school schedule
  4. Short work week
  5. The yard is pretty much done (and looks nice)
  6. It’s June
  7. Family fun weekend with minimal breakdowns
  8. Took a walk with the dog yesterday
  9. Below Deck
  10. Year is winding down

Gratitudes

Gotta resume doing this in the daily….

  1. Beautiful funny loving boys
  2. Gorgeous weather
  3. My gray potato sack dress with pockets
  4. Walking at lunch
  5. All the big stuff for my sciences classes are done
  6. One IEP left to write
  7. Three day weekend on the horizon
  8. Hubs had a 4 day weekend
  9. Outside is looking good, almost done with the big yard work
  10. Just us this weekend

So busy

It’s tough to find time for even a daily gratitude list lately. All these healthy habits and self care are hard to fit in while working FT and 3 babes and just life in general. I have been walking regularly, tracking my food (lost 12 lbs!), and trying to listen to podcasts (although that has slightly backfired). There’s been some up and downs in the relationship with the hubs. He was engaging in some addictive type behaviors, unhealthy habits. Not sexual ones, so that makes it more manageable. But still things that don’t reflect health and recovery, spending an excessive amount of money on video games on his phone and not telling me, secret unhealthy eating, not journaling, exercising, playing his video games late into the night, etc. he has been stressed at work and while he may be handling it better than in the past, it’s still not great. Actually, there was a sort of low level SA activity he engaged in. An article popped up in his news feed, about a prostitute who has autism. This was interesting to him, so he read it (first problem). Then he really felt he needed to put a face to the name/story, so he went to her Twitter account. Which of course continued pornagraphic images, as I would imagine most would expect to find on a prostitutes social media. He then closed it. And while that good I guess, like wtf, you should have never opened it. That is the problem. Anyway, when he is not engaging in healthy habits, it results in me having to increase my monitoring and being the mom and doing things that I don’t want to do and that take up more energy then I have. My therapist and I discussed that the results of breaking boundaries is that I have less patience for him and am less available for him. There is only so much bandwidth in total and having to put it into monitoring for the safety of my family leaves less for him. If he really wants to stay in this relationship and family, he needs to consistently demonstrate that through his actions.

Gratitude:

  1. Baby boys
  2. Day off
  3. Beautiful weather
  4. Baby animals
  5. The canal
  6. Lovely walks with baby bear
  7. Couples therapy friday
  8. Long stretch with just us
  9. My mom
  10. Getting things done!

Gratitude

A little bit of a rough week. Lots of info from my SA and his activities. While still sober (sexually and drugs/alcohol), there was some spending going on that seemed compulsive to me and secretive. He also engaged in some compulsive (impulsive?) secret eating too. While I appreciate his sobriety and these acts don’t diminish that, it is stressful and damages trust. He has spent over $800 on online app based video games so far this year! For me, that’s not really reasonable. After talking with my therapist (before knowing all of this info) basically I need to try to talk less when discussing this type of info, give more space for him to speak and not use my talking as an out in some respects.

Gratitude:

  1. Boys!!
  2. Beautiful weather
  3. Weekend with my family
  4. Getting things done
  5. Clean sheets on my bed
  6. HIR sharing
  7. Flowers blooming
  8. Shopping at the garden center yesterday with Bubba
  9. Weight is going down
  10. Making time for self care