Daily Gratitude & other musings

  1. Baby buddha, so lovey, so grateful that he was awake this morning for some loving before i left for work.
  2. Sleeping babies
  3. Nice small family walk, listened to mindset podcast while the hubs was able to make program calls
  4. Final quarter of the year at school
  5. Vaccination
  6. Family to help take care of my little family
  7. The opportunity to make healthy choices and be active
  8. My car
  9. Podcasts, the chance to reset my mind and to connect with others in similar experiences
  10. Better weather today

It’s weird, a colleague returned to work yesterday, after working remotely the first 3/4 of the year. We are friends, but he is very different than I am. Loud and boisterous and funny — people from all around school have been seeking him out to welcome him back, my quiet morning space is not so quiet anymore. The weird part is that it makes me feel badly about myself. It like reminds me that i am not valued so much, I am not such a “friend” to others, I am easily overlooked. When really, it should have no impact on me and how I feel about myself. Why am I allowing this to put a spotlight on me? Why do I care or have these thoughts and feelings? Another joy of being me i guess.

Easter Monday

Last day of “spring break” although really not that much of a break, I will take it though. As always trying to restart, get back on track, make the big changes, etc. One thing I am really trying to avoid is the pre “diet” binge. It has been a viscous cycle lately where I feel like I am gaining 5 pounds right before every restart. It is so bad and unhealthy. So while I am eating today I am working hard to NOT act as though I will never eat __ (Cadbury eggs, pasta, bread, chocolate, etc…) again. I will just not for a few weeks. And when I do I hopefully will be in a healthier place and with control. Have been doing a walking for weight loss program which has been good in that it helps keep me accountable. Started listening to a weight loss mindset programming Spotify too (last night). I can do this. I will feel so much better. I will feel like me again.

Gratitude:

  1. Baby boys ♥️
  2. Spring break
  3. Hubs has week off
  4. Beautiful weather
  5. Easter bread turned out great
  6. Walking
  7. The chance to inprove
  8. My supports
  9. Baths
  10. Good sex

Side note on #10, sex with an active SA is not good, it is bad. It is a penis that does not work well, that has to be beaten into submission and in turn kind of beats you up too. It is long in the worst possible way. It is objectification. It becomes wearisome, uncomfortable, a chore. It is also something that you find yourself using to ensure safety and gain some control in an unmanageable situation (even if you don’t realize it). You don’t necessarily realize how bad things are when you are in it and when you don’t really know or understand what shite you are actually in. But after you know, after discovery, after some time for realization and even healing and recovery, you start to see. You start to see all the things that you have been living with that you shouldn’t have too (no one should) and you start to see how those things have impacted and shaped you and who you are or have become, thoughts, actions, behaviors. And it is so unhealthy and just bad and hopefully it is just the start to something new, new life, a new day.

Saturday

Haven’t been journaling as much as I should, but when I have recently it’s been in my paper journal. Trying to feel optimistic, but it can be quite challenging. Sometimes it feels like there’s forward trajectory and other times it feels like a stand still, nothing is getting better. I went to a psychiatrist this week, to follow up as my midwife started me on an antidepressant. He agreed with that (depressive symptoms) but also diagnosed me with binge eating disorder. I was surprised by this, but I suppose I really should not be. I am not sure how to break my current relationship with food. Part of me wishes I could go away (fat camp?) be on my own. Only food I want available, go to the gym, be active whenever I want. Only be responsible for me. That makes me feel so selfish to say but I can’t imagine I am the only mom who has ever felt that way. Did couples counseling yesterday with a csat. Much better then a regular couples counselor. Also did Sanon couples meeting. Also a positive experience. Overall I want things to change and improve. I want to get better. I want to acknowledge my experiences including my trauma and abuse, but I don’t want to be a victim. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Gratitude:

  1. Weekend
  2. Beautiful weather
  3. Baby boys
  4. Couples therapeutic time
  5. Coffee
  6. Hubs working a program
  7. A job
  8. Supports
  9. Medication / science
  10. Spring break is approaching

Intentions: Get outside, be mindful, breath, drink water.

Gratitude on Fat Tuesday

  1. Everyone’s healthy
  2. Free childcare
  3. My mom coming to help
  4. Having 2 weeks on our own
  5. Not an icy drive for my dad
  6. Sweet babies
  7. My car
  8. Coffee
  9. Zoom
  10. Sweaters

Definitely is a Fat Tuesday. Reset today with high gear tomorrow. I must not blow off my nutrition coach. Must keep goals at the forefront. I am giving up nothing. I am making choices that I can feel good about and will make me feel good. I am making choices that allow me to get to my goals.