Snowy Day

Gratitude:

  1. Snow
  2. Quarantine ended
  3. Medication
  4. Baby boys
  5. Baby snuggles
  6. Fresh baked cookies
  7. Target trips
  8. H cleaning the house
  9. Ppl love my children
  10. Fire place

I don’t where I am at. I got my period, first one since getting pregnant with baby Buddha, bitter sweet. I started taking Zoloft but it can take 2-6 weeks to kick in. I am so unhappy with how I look, I feel disgusting and I am not able to harness this to turn things around. I am embarrassed with how fat I am. Do I even love my H at this point? I don’t really know. I really hope he doesn’t read this, as that would really hurt him and I don’t want to do that either. I really think it’s that situation of if you don’t really love yourself, you can really love others. I don’t know. We have a couples therapy appt tomorrow, first one together with a CSAT. I hope it helps.

Gratitude

  1. Snow
  2. Snow day
  3. Very mild covid symptoms for all (so far 🤞🏻)
  4. Family fun times
  5. Baby boys ❤️
  6. Puzzles
  7. Ppl reaching out
  8. Fireplace
  9. H in recovery
  10. Honesty

I really need to make some changes within myself. There are many things I just don’t like. Some are things i didn’t even realize. It all starts with me. And I need to remind myself of this daily.

Starting the Day Right

I don’t know how I feel towards my husband and about my marriage. I know I feel not good about myself. I cannot manage my eating. I have never had this problem. Not like this. At least I don’t think I have. I feel out of control (or am I just choosing to not control it?). I feel like the more effort and thought I am putting into it, the worse it is getting. But today is another day and I will at least start the day with the intention of trying. I am struggling with having my mom live here even though I know that it is such a loving, selfless act by her. I almost wish I was the primary bread winner (like made a much higher salary). That’s a whole other tangent. I need to just focus on today and move forward.

Gratitude:

  1. Sleeping babies
  2. Bubba riding his new bike
  3. Bear feeling better
  4. Working for home being an option (v a day without pay)
  5. A pregnant friend
  6. Getting rid of stuff
  7. Snuggly buddha
  8. My fireplace
  9. My car
  10. Having my basic needs met

Intentions: Make loving choices for myself, move, drink water, be patient with others.

The days are still tough, but lots to be grateful for…

Must go to sleep early tonight. Must make sleep a priority. Without it, everything else is harder.

Gratitude:

  1. Bubba’s birthday
  2. The weekend
  3. Baby bear is sounding better
  4. Fresh coffee that someone else made
  5. Long walk
  6. Ppl want my junk
  7. Making bd cupcakes with bubba
  8. Only 1 sick baby
  9. Warm showers
  10. Sleep

Intentions: Do things that are good for me as an act of self care: walk, go to bed early, drink water.

Daily work

I am struggling to set an intention and follow through. I am having a hard time doing what’s best for me, making heathy choices. I am trying to shift my mindset to self care, eating nourishing food out of self care, not not eating shit because I am and feel disgusting. I guess I just don’t care enough about myself right now. I guess that’s the shift I am really struggling to make. But I will try again today.

Gratitude:

  1. Healthy baby
  2. Target trip
  3. Inauguration
  4. No more trump
  5. First female VP
  6. Beautiful poem by the youth poet laureate
  7. Got things done
  8. Bubba and bear
  9. My hair dryer
  10. Snow flurries

Intention: I will make food choices that nourish my body and support weight loss.

Affirmation: I am smart and capable.

Daily work

I am struggling to set an intention and follow through. I am having a hard time doing what’s best for me, making heathy choices. I am trying to shift my mindset to self care, eating nourishing food out of self care, not not eating shit because I am and feel disgusting. I guess I just don’t care enough about myself right now. I guess that’s the shift I am really struggling to make. But I will try again today.

Gratitude:

  1. Healthy baby
  2. Target trip
  3. Inauguration
  4. No more trump
  5. First female VP
  6. Beautiful poem by the youth poet laureate
  7. Got things done
  8. Bubba and bear
  9. My hair dryer
  10. Snow flurries

Intention: I will make food choices that nourish my body and support weight loss.

Affirmation: I am smart and capable.

A day off

I started to write I need to refocus, get back to gratitude, etc, etc, etc, when what I need to do is to just DO IT! I will start my day with gratitude. I will get 8000 steps minimum, I will plan my day (food) so that I can be successful. These are basic things that I will do for myself.

This weekend has been tough. So many varying feelings and thoughts. Sadness over what has happened in my life, how sex addiction has had a negative impact in so many ways. And even though I am upset with the hubs about all of it, I am really upset and disappointed in myself. How did I let all this happen. It has been so insidious. I feel like i was not strong and let go of my hopes and dreams and goals. I allowed this disease to slow my growth and development. Which then makes me think that I am not a worthy person, I am a loser.

I am still struggling with diet and weight. Like so much. I am disgusted with how I look and feel. This compounds all the other feelings. I am have not been able to keep the mojo going. I keep allowing myself to get derailed. I need to do this and I will do this and I will not allow one choice or one meal or one day stop me. I will just acknowledge and move forward.

Gratitude:

  1. MLK, his life and legacy
  2. 3 day weekend
  3. Purging
  4. Lovely long walk with Leo
  5. Being given clothes for the boys
  6. Being able to give clothes to someone else to use
  7. Sleeping in
  8. Being alive
  9. My baby boys
  10. Hubs working recovery

Intentions: I will walk today, I will make healthy choices, I will prep for the week.

Affirmations: I deserve love and kindness. I am a good mom.