He is so fucking frustrating. First, yesterday, to tell me after he is at work for over 12 hours, while I am home working FT and my mom helping with the 3 little babies, that he will SACRIFICE his Tuesday night SA meeting so i can go to my SAnon meeting, like give me a fucking break. You are making this holier than thou sacrifice after over 15 years of Lies, deceits, and betrayal by not going to one meeting of the 9 meetings you regularly attend so that I can make the only 1 meeting that I go to. Fuck off. And then when i express discomfort with the word sacrifice (like he, the cheating lying sex addict is so magnanimous, really, he is going to do me this big solid so I can get a modicum of support that is only needed bc of your SA and complete and utter betrayal) you tell me it’s just a word and not to get caught up in it and you are in fact giving something up. If it’s just a word and didn’t have that meaning behind it, then when I express discomfort, you change your word. You don’t make it a whole thing. Then when I am done and want to have time for just me for the first time all day, you stand in front of me blocking my view of the TV to say what you want even though I have expressed that I am not open to listening at that moment. When I have to be painful about that you finally get it and walk away telling me how rude I am. Fuck you. You storm away. Great. Who is left to do all the before bed kitchen clean up, me. Lovely. But good thing you are making that major fucking sacrifice. Then tonight, you are snoring your f*ing face off. I ask you to put in your mask. Ok. Don’t do it. Snore. I wait. I ask again. Over and over. I DONT WANT TO ASK YOU TO PIT ON YOUR MASK! I am not your mom. You agreed to do things that improve your health. This is one of those things. Be an adult and put on the fucking mask. Then you get mad at me and storm out. You are going to sleep somewhere else. Fine. Part of me wants to follow you. Talk about it. Force the issue. But I am not f*ing doing that anymore. Be pissy. Be irresponsible. Don’t follow through on what you agree to. Don’t be a man. Those are your decisions. I am deciding to do something different. And oh by the way, convenient. So when the baby wakes up, who will be taking care of him…hmmm, I guess me. How nice for you. Snore your face off somewhere else. Do you have your phone? This definitely wouldn’t be triggering would it? It has only been disclosed by you that you would chat would random ppl on apps at night when I would be asleep in our bed. You would sneak out for sexual encounters with people. But sure, sorry I annoyed you so thoroughly by putting on your stupid sleep apnea machine that allows you to sleep soundly and get good rest. And now I have to still be up between the turmoil in our country and the national disgrace and you, my mind is swirling and I cannot sleep. Hopefully writing all this out is a purging of my mind so I can rest and have some tranquility.

He is so fucking frustrating. First, yesterday, to tell me after he is at work for over 12 hours, while I am home working FT and my mom helping with the 3 little babies, that he will SACRIFICE his Tuesday night SA meeting so i can go to my SAnon meeting, like give me a fucking break. You are making this holier than thou sacrifice after over 15 years of Lies, deceits, and betrayal by not going to one meeting of the 9 meetings you regularly attend so that I can make the only 1 meeting that I go to. Fuck off. And then when i express discomfort with the word sacrifice (like he, the cheating lying sex addict is so magnanimous, really, he is going to do me this big solid so I can get a modicum of support that is only needed bc of your SA and complete and utter betrayal) you tell me it’s just a word and not to get caught up in it and you are in fact giving something up. If it’s just a word and didn’t have that meaning behind it, then when I express discomfort, you change your word. You don’t make it a whole thing. Then when I am done and want to have time for just me for the first time all day, you stand in front of me blocking my view of the TV to say what you want even though I have expressed that I am not open to listening at that moment. When I have to be painful about that you finally get it and walk away telling me how rude I am. Fuck you. You storm away. Great. Who is left to do all the before bed kitchen clean up, me. Lovely. But good thing you are making that major fucking sacrifice. Then tonight, you are snoring your f*ing face off. I ask you to put in your mask. Ok. Don’t do it. Snore. I wait. I ask again. Over and over. I DONT WANT TO ASK YOU TO PIT ON YOUR MASK! I am not your mom. You agreed to do things that improve your health. This is one of those things. Be an adult and put on the fucking mask. Then you get mad at me and storm out. You are going to sleep somewhere else. Fine. Part of me wants to follow you. Talk about it. Force the issue. But I am not f*ing doing that anymore. Be pissy. Be irresponsible. Don’t follow through on what you agree to. Don’t be a man. Those are your decisions. I am deciding to do something different. And oh by the way, convenient. So when the baby wakes up, who will be taking care of him…hmmm, I guess me. How nice for you. Snore your face off somewhere else. Do you have your phone? This definitely wouldn’t be triggering would it? It has only been disclosed by you that you would chat would random ppl on apps at night when I would be asleep in our bed. You would sneak out for sexual encounters with people. But sure, sorry I annoyed you so thoroughly by putting on your stupid sleep apnea machine that allows you to sleep soundly and get good rest. And now I have to still be up between the turmoil in our country and the national disgrace and you, my mind is swirling and I cannot sleep. Hopefully writing all this out is a purging of my mind so I can rest and have some tranquility.

1. Artwork with Bear
2. Baby Buddha snoozin
3. Finishing cards with Bubba
4. Husband working recovery
5. Friyay!
6. Working from home Monday & Tuesday
7. Sunny beautiful day
8. Holiday time
9. Good dog
10. A moment of silence to myself

Intentions: Get up and move! Take the time I need. Enjoy my life and my family.

Affirmations: I love my family, I am a supportive husband and good coworker!

I bought a cute new journal, so I haven’t been writing here lately. But for the most part I am sticking when at least practicing daily gratitude.

Gratitude:

1. GBBO
2. Family weekend
3. Cool fall weather
4. Couples Sanon meeting
5. No children slept in my bed last night
6. Beautiful cute loving boys
7. Quiet time (really not due to fucking train construction work noise at my window)
8. Milk supply seems decent
9. Coffee
10. Christmas miracles

Intentions: this will be a great weekend of family time, rejuvenation and relaxation and love.

Affirmations: I am a good loving momma. I am a supportive wife. I am working on myself.

1. Hubs is working his program
2. Halloween family fun
3. Fresh fruit
4. Halloween baking championship
5. Sweet Buddha baby
6. Funny bear
7. Loving and smart bubba
8. Target
9. Soup and grilled cheese on a rainy day
10. Time for self care

Intentions: Family fun time at home, be mindful and healthy, love my family, attend meeting.

Affirmations: I love my family, I am a loving caring mom and wife.

Tough start to the day. Slept in couch while babe slept in baby rocker. Took along time to get to sleep so didn’t want to move him upstairs and risk waking him up. But then i didn’t sleep well. I was cranky and negative with hubs. At least we both texted while he was leaving for work and got to a better place. Apologized.

Gratitude:

1. Shopping with Bubba
2. Hubs did some deep cleaning yesterday
3. Check-in, time to connect
4. Target and home sense.
5. Full on groceries. Some good meals planned for the week.
6. New swaddles and nightgowns came for the baby
7. No appts or meetings tonight
8. coffee.
9. Cute baby boys
10. GBBO

Intentions: Make healthy choices, love my family, do small things.

Affirmations: I am a loving mom, I am taking care of my self, I am a supportive wife.

Let the hubs sleep in and through most of the night. I realized recently (or maybe just verbalized it) that I have the least patience for him. Like I am much quicker to get annoyed or irritated with him compared to anyone else. He woke up feeling achy today and in my head, I am just thinking, ugh, shake it off. My hip hurts and I still have minor recovery pains from delivering this huge baby a month ago and I started bleeding again, but ok, you slept funny. I feel like he is such a baby about stuff. I am also realizing he just doesn’t function in a clean, organized and efficient manner. Will that ever get better? I feel like currently it often creates more work for me. I think I have been feeling frustrated because i am generally excited and looking forward to him getting home for the day or weekend, but frequently once he is home, it’s nothing like I hoped. He adds to the chaos and mess when i need him to help get rid of it. He needs me to often direct him on what to do. I wonder how long will it be this way? Will these things change and get better? If they don’t get better, do I want to live this way forever? I need to be healthy too and I need my children to live in a healthy environment.

Gratitude:

1. Baby boys
2. Heat
3. Family time at the zoo
4. Sleep
5. Relaxed sunday
6. 1 mo pics finally
7. Baby button down nightgowns
8. Tiny toes
9. New dryer
10. Sweater weather

Intentions: Enjoy the day and relax! Go shopping with bubba

Affirmations: I am losing weight and making healthier decisions. I am getting better At taking care of myself and being calmer. Things don’t have to be perfect.

Everyone is home today which is nice. Weather seems beautiful. I slept 8 hours! Amazing.

Gratitude:

1. Beautiful baby boys
2. Whole weekend off for hubs
3. Halloween driving tours
4. Target
5. Pumpkin oat health cookies
6. Lovely weather
7. My home
8. My family

Intentions: Be calm, use breathing to be calm, focused and regroup as needed. Enjoy family time. THINK.

Affirmations: I am a good loving mom. I lost 5 lbs this week due to tracking and being mindful. I am thoughtful.

I joined some new apps. Pay apps, which I rarely do. A weight loss app and a self-care / goal app. It’s keeping me busy and I hope it’s worth it. Definitely weight wise I already feel better. While I know I didn’t actually lose 5 real lbs this week, I definitely did lose water weight and I am happy for that. My face was looking so fat and round the last couple of weeks and I know it was due to terrible diet, lots of carbs and sugar, retaining all kinds of water. I just looked bloated. 🤢 So just reducing all that junk and eating more mindfully has really helped me feel better overall. I just need to stay motivated and stick to it. That is where my problem seems to be lately. Stick to it ness…I deserve to follow through on this and I deserve to feel good (better?) about myself.

Gratitude:

1. Baby Buddha, so sweet
2. Baby bear
3. Bubba my big boy and helper
4. My family
5. FaceTime
6. Getting in walks
7. Healthy foods
8. Coffee
9. My bed
10. Early and quiet start to the day

Intentions: Make healthy choices, get things done but don’t over do it, focus on myself, my health and my recovery

Affirmations: I am a loving mom, I am becoming healthier inside and out, I am a supportive and empathetic wife.

Had a session with my therapist. Basically, if the hubs is relapsing (2xs in the past 1-2 mo), he is fucked up and not healthy. He cannot take in feedback. I need to lower my expectations. I need to let go. He needs to get control of his recovery. I have to figure out what to do for myself and make sure I am taking care of me and my family. Easier said than done. How do I deal with my concerns? If he’s not following his own recovery plan, how do I not say or do something? My current plan is to review and redo my own care plan and boundaries.

Gratitude:

1. Therapy session
2. Baby boys
3. Baby naps
4. Beautiful weather
5. clarity
6. Coffee
7. Tracking my food
8. Baby bear’s hilarity
9. FaceTime with family
10. A shower

Affirmations: I am taking care of my family. I am able to progress even when chaos is swirling around me. I am a good, kind, empathetic person.