I shared for the first time at my Sanon meeting last night. I was not super comfortable, but it was good to rip off the bandaid. Now hopefully I will be able to participate by sharing at meetings moving forward.

Gratitude:

1. Sleep
2. Baking shows
3. Being focused on my goals
4. Sanon
5. My baby boys
6. Fall weather
7. Baby Buddha has a 1 month Appt today.
8. The numbers on the scale have gone down this week. I know it’s really just water weight but still feels good after recent increase in the lbs.
9. Found the ergo baby carrier!
10. PS coffee and creamer

Affirmations: I am a loving momma. I am a supportive wife. I am working on me to be calmer and just better all around.

I asked him to finish cleaning up while I went to the grocery store with bubba. I cleaned up mostly, the counters needed to be wiped and the couple of items they were using to go in the dishwasher. He had an Appt at 7. Went left at about 6:30, home at 8. Kitchen seemed even messier, nothing was wiped, dishes stacked by sink. I try to not be bothered by this, but later when I start talking about thanksgiving and I feel blown off, it’s an emo volcano. Then I just want to argue. Then he says I should just cancel thanksgiving. Ok. Cancel your family. Whatever. But stop blaming me, that I am already too stressed. I love planning for things, for school, projects, events, and def parties and gatherings. It’s something I don’t get to do much. Maybe he is already stressed about it. My reaction was shit. I was an asshole and I yelled and ended up stressing everybody including myself. Maybe I should have just expressed that I was annoyed about the kitchen earlier. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten so upset later. I am not sure how to handle these things. And I am not sure how to not get as annoyed about things.

Gratitude:

1. Bubba
2. Buddha
3. Bear
4. Grocery shopping with bubba
5. New Low Deck
6. Halloween time
7. Changing foliage
8. No late night binging
9. It’s a new day
10. Meetings tonight

Intentions: Healthy choices, no late night snacking, drink water, track.

Affirmations: I am working on being healthier (inside and out). I love my family. I work hard to support my class at school.

Things have been so up and down, especially my mood and motivation. Today is an up day and I am going to try to make each day an up even if I have some down moments. I joined two apps to help me with weight loss and motivation. I am struggling so much with this. Since having the baby, I am getting fatter! Which makes me feel awful which makes me eat more and the cycle continues. Soooo, I am really going to try to apply some of that addiction stuff here, like one day at a time. It’s funny, not really knowing much about the AA model and its derivatives (like SA), I didn’t see how much of its tenants and slogans etc can be found elsewhere, like focusing on what I can control (food, thoughts, breathe, etc). It came up when I was reading an article a few days ago too. It is really pervasive, but in a good way.

Speaking of the SA/Sanon stuff, yesterday I definitely had some very low movements and resentments. I resented an acting out partner who had popped up on social media. I resented that my husband acted out with this person who is also married. And not just that, but here is the person engaging in this low activity living in a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood, etc, and thinking well at least if his partner is being cheated on (I do not know their relationship ship status, open? Not?) at least he has all these other things that I have always wanted for myself. Why can’t I have that at least? And the day before, I felt like this shite is making me very emo and eating and fat, getting fucked again in a different way. Like at least I could be thin and look good. BUT this is not healthy thinking and it is not good for me. So hopefully I can start small and get to where I want to go.

Gratitude:

1. Baby buddha
2. Sweet bear. I love getting him out of bed. He has the best attitude and zest for life.
3. Rainy day, sometimes they are necessary
4. Feeling motivated
5. My home, it is ours and cozy
6. Bath and face mask
7. Organized phone apps
8. Hubs is working his stuff
9. Getting stuff done
10. Halloween drive through tours have been posted

Intentions: Log my food, drink water, breathe.

Affirmations: I am a good mom, a good wife and I am working be to be calmer and feel better.

1. Bubba is such a sweet son and brother
2. Baby bear is such a happy guy in the AM and is a great snuggler
3. Baby Buddha is too cute
4. Family fun time yesterday at the farm getting pumpkins and apples
5. Art project with hubs and bubba
6. Good weather yesterday and rain held out today
7. Matching Halloween outfits for the boys
8. GBBO is back!
9. Found favored baby carrier
10. Another week home.

Today is the last day Of my first week home alone with all the babies! My title may be premature as this AM is a cluster already! But it’s okay. Focusing on remaining calm. There’s not much that really requires (is worth?) getting upset and worked up over. I can’t feel good about my day if I spend most of it yelling or upset esp at / with the babies. Find the space between the stimulus and my response. Take a breathe. Drink lots of water!

Gratitude:

1. Week 1 went well (even if today turns into a disaster)
2. Finally got my target order done
3. Found a cute wrapping paper fundraiser catalog. I hope the kids like it as I already picked out my paper.
4. Maternity leave
5. Ordering out for dinner
6. Grocery store sushi
7. More beautiful autumnal weather
8. Pumpkin picking this weekend!
9. Baby boys
10. Hubs will get overtime

Affirmations: I am a good mom who is striving to be a great mom. I am a supportive wife. I am becoming calmer.

I am losing my mind at night eating. Like I am just going crazy binge eating everything. Last night was cheese and chocolate and whatever sweets there were. It’s like just self sabotage. What is wrong with me??? Am I getting too hungry? (By the time I got to dinner yesterday I was) Too tired? Upset? I don’t know. I have got to change it up. I need to just go to bed. That would help. But I do also appreciate some quiet alone time too esp by the end of the day.

I feel like the past 2 days I have been struggling to be around the hubs. It is hard for me to not be irritated and I don’t know why. I think he is a bit down having to go back to work. He had trouble sleeping. I think that he is not always using time effectively. I need to detach from this stuff. Focus on me, my recovery, how I am using my time and channeling my energy. I can let him know what I need from him (emotionally, physically, etc) and how he handles it is data for me on how he is doing.

Gratitude:

1. Quiet mornings
2. Walks
3. FT with the fam
4. Having jobs and benefits
5. Fall
6. Having healthy food available to eat
7. Nice weather
8. Baby boys. So much love!!
9. Hubs is working even though it’s hard
10. This fancy baby rocker someone gave us
11. Generous friends and nieghbors

Intentions: Eat healthy, drive lots of water, walk, go to bed early. Focus on physical health today.

Affirmations: I am productive. I love my family and I take good care of them.

So I think I survived and actually did pretty well yesterday, I am concerned about the hubs. He got up with the baby after I fed him during the night, but then he never went back to sleep. So he only got 5 hours. He also though did not seem to use this time awake to benefit himself. Like to journal or work on recovery or to take a run or get to work early. He was super grouchy and defensive when I got up. I expressed that I needed to pump and if the baby needed to eat again later (after the initial breast feed and supplement) he needs to wake me so that I can nurse him (supply). I feel frustrated and nervous about this. I want a healthy partner. He needs to do better at managing his shite.

Gratitude:

1. More beautiful fall weather
2. Below Deck
3. Baby boys
4. Taking a walk with just the dog
5. Getting things done, even if they are small
6. Crafting with bubba
7. Baby Buddha’s sweetness
8. Hugs from baby bear
9. Time at home
10. I am working on my recovery

Affirmations: I am a good mom. I am able to remain calm. I take care of my family.

Intentions: I will make healthy choices. I will not binge on garbage today. I will drink water and move.

First day of me and all 3 boys. Hubs started back to work today. Which is why this is my first chance to sit down and do my journal. It hasn’t been too bad. I have done ok keeping my cool. Maybe only 2xs did I lose it and it wasn’t that bad. (Progress, not perfection, right?). I am not doing as great with diet. It’s like I need to completely strip the house of everything except the things I want to eat in terms of being healthy and losing weight. But I am not having the attitude of I messed up, so the hell with everything. I want to feel good about how I look so I have to be strong about it, for MYSELF!!!

Gratitude:

1. Beautiful, cool fall weather
2. My new big cozy sweater
3. Surviving the day
4. Maternity leave
5. Halloween
6. Pumpkin spice coffee and creamer
7. Babies sleeping in
8. Sweatpants
9. Fresh fruit
10. Hubs got out door project sone
11. Hubs

Intentions: Complete the day as positively as I have gotten through so far. Sleep more tonight. Take a walk.

Affirmations: I am strong. I can take care of my family. I can be healthy and lose weight.

My child misses school. Which is great, I am glad he misses his teaches, friends, and learning, but I am a little sad about it too. Because he is a little sad. I am also sad about my weight. I have stalled out on losing weight. I have lost 25 lbs since giving birth. But I need to lose 7 more to hit my first goal. And then like at least 30 more lbs. ugh. It’s my diet. I am doing better than pregnancy, but not doing great really reeling it in overall. Gotta keep working on it and being positive.

Gratitude:

1. Outdoor painting project complete.
2. New dryer ordered!
3. New car seats arrived. Once installed, both cars will be ready for all babies
4. Chinese food place not bad
5. Rainy day
6. Being home
7. All the baby boys
8. My feet are not swollen
9. Short hair
10. October has arrived

Intentions: Enjoy my family. Be kind to all including self. Continue to focus on feeding Baby Buddha.

Affirmations: I am a good momma. I love my family. I am becoming less selfish.

Gratitude:

1. Chocolate chip cookie
2. Therapy session
3. House to just me and baby buddha
4. Chinese take out
5. Shutters I think are done!
6. Front door repainted
7. Baby boys. I love them all
8. Tee shirts are selling
9. Deleted pics of me
10. Nap time

Affirmations: I love my family. I will get better, emotionally, mentally, physically.